Short Funny Quotes - Page 7
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
God said I was funny. Have you seen the way he dresses!
If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.
Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!
I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property”.
Things on my “To do” list:
Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public.
Ask someone in a store what year it is and when they reply yell, “I did it!” and run out.
When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.
When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you?
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my father is a doctor, so no apples for me.
Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
The most dangerous person is a mailman becoming a hitman, he knows where you live.
Couldn’t remember your appointment then you find out it was with your memory doctor. Here’s your sign.
I don’t have any exs I have whys? Yeah why in the hell did I date you!!!?
Life is a climb but the view is great, until you fall off!.
Cuddle a chemist and see the reaction.
In life go straight and turn right. ! ;)
Someday they’re going to call me “M’am” without adding “You’re making a scene”.
Google: I have everything. !!
Facebook: I know everyone. !
Tweeter: I know what you guys think!!
Internet: Gosh!!!w/out me. !!you guys are nothing!!!