Short Funny Quotes - Page 7
From great power comes a great electricity bill.
My parents told me “You watch too much TV and should try reading more!” So I turned on the subtitles.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted and the time of your life!
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.
I will procrastinate later.
You either like me or you hate me, either way, you idiots still know my name.
I’m not random. I just have many thoughts I feel you should know.
When life gives you Justin Beiber, ASK FOR THE LEMONS BACK!!!
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.
Here are some more!
I wish the dollar store sold gas.
I don’t want to brag, or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!
If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it, it will never change. And if the parade gets boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast- forward the parade.
I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different.
This one my friend told me. Her brother and his friends come up with pick- up lines all day. Here is one of them.
I am going to take a hot shower. It’s like a cold shower, but with me in it.
I lost the entire left side of my body. I’m alright now.
I love it when you walk through a spider- web, you all of the sudden learn kung- fu.
A man came to the door and asked if I would donate to the local swimming pool. So I have him a glass of water.
Help me! I’m choking on an ice cube!. Never mind, I’m good.
The guy who invented the wheel is an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, now he is the genius!!
I wish my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of food.
I’ve heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
- Ronald Reagan
I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.
I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.
It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son – and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
~ Helen Rowland
No matter how many pens I buy, they always ‘mysteriously’ go missing.
All married women are not wives.
Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Good girls ar bad girls that aren’t caught.
Teacher : why are you late?
Student : Does it really matter? You still get paid !! =P
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
No one is as ugly as their driving license/identity card picture, nor as good- looking as their Facebook profile pic..!:D;)
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
Ok so I applied for a job at a mental hospital and they said I needed 24 hrs experience with a retard..so …uhh…um do you wanna hang out?
Maybe life should stop giving lemons… It just gives people ideas on what to do with it.
I’m on a seafood diet.. I see food and then I eat it.
They say that love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?
- Nishan Panwar
Every time I meet a nice girl she has a boyfriend. 3 of them.
Everyone hates pennies. Except Lincoln.
Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.
- Jarod Kintz
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
Memory loss: I had an epiphany. But I can’t remember what it was.
Boy:Hi can we be friends?
Boy: Come on I’m rich.
Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single.
Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs old…can we meet for dinner?
Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.
If I’m not back in 5 minutes… Wait longer..
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Everybody makes mistakes.. The trick is making em when nobody is around..
When life hands you lemons… Make apple cider.. Then sit back and have everyone wondering how you did it.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
- Yogi Berra
Google: I have everything. !!
Facebook: I know everyone. !
Tweeter: I know what you guys think!!
Internet: Gosh!!!w/out me. !!you guys are nothing!!!