Short Funny Quotes - Page 7

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

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Let husband and wife never speak to one another in loud tones,unless the house is on fire.
- David O. McKay
Husband-(1)

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If there was an award for laziness I’d probably send somebody else to pick it up for me.

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When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to…But when a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

Submitted by: shubh
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When I have children I am going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that like a Boss!

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Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
- Robert Orben

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I’m single because I was born that way.
- Mae West

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A waffle is like a pancake, with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg

Submitted by: Laughable Dancer Girl
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I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
- Mark Twain

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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
- Groucho Marx

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If the world really ends in 2012, I wasted my whole life in school.

Submitted by: Candygirl
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If someone says: “No offense”, he/she is about to say something offensive.

Submitted by: lolness
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I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick!
Why is it that when something is delivered by truck, we call it a shipment, but when it’s delivered by ship we call it cargo?

Submitted by: sara
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Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

Submitted by: Usama
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Many people bring joy in my household, some by coming, others by going…

Submitted by: Rikko
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Interesting confusions:
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

Submitted by: red sunny
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If a robot does the robot is it still the robot or is it just dancing?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you… But it is still on my list :)

Submitted by: princess 98 ?
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I feel bad for a giraffe who has to throw up.

Submitted by: Christian
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Some call it stalking I call it love.

Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of.

I was uncool before being uncool was cool!

Get like you? naw Get like me.

I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse.

When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car.

Go buy yourself a life on e- bay.

Few women admit their ages a few men act theirs.

Submitted by: Denisse
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Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
- Phyllis Diller

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

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I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
- Yogi Berra

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I wish there was a pen that could copy and paste.

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Why is is called a “building” when it’s already been built ?

Submitted by: sophia
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The voices in my head aren’t real…my dog told me so.

Submitted by: Blayze

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