Short Funny Quotes - Page 8
When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.
Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!
I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property”.
Things on my “To do” list:
Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public.
Ask someone in a store what year it is and when they reply yell, “I did it!” and run out.
When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.
When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you?
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.
An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my father is a doctor, so no apples for me.
Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
The most dangerous person is a mailman becoming a hitman, he knows where you live.
Couldn’t remember your appointment then you find out it was with your memory doctor. Here’s your sign.
I don’t have any exs I have whys? Yeah why in the hell did I date you!!!?
Life is a climb but the view is great, until you fall off!.
Cuddle a chemist and see the reaction.
In life go straight and turn right. ! ;)
Someday they’re going to call me “M’am” without adding “You’re making a scene”.
Google: I have everything. !!
Facebook: I know everyone. !
Tweeter: I know what you guys think!!
Internet: Gosh!!!w/out me. !!you guys are nothing!!!
A baby monkey asks his father thus; father, why are we so ugly?
The father says: don’t stress my son, you should see the one reading this text.
They said the world is going to end this year…Pssh They can barely predict the weather.