Short Funny Quotes - Page 8

9

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.

8

If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
6

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.

Submitted by: Armondo
8

Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.

Submitted by: T.WILL
8

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.

Submitted by: Aniqa
1

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!

Submitted by: Jamie
3

I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!

Submitted by: Jamie
4

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
15

I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property”.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
5

Things on my “To do” list:

Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public.

Ask someone in a store what year it is and when they reply yell, “I did it!” and run out.

When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
8

When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you?

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
6

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Submitted by: Lisa
4

I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.

Submitted by: Lisa
3

An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my father is a doctor, so no apples for me.

Submitted by: muvuledzi
7

Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Submitted by: emma
7

The most dangerous person is a mailman becoming a hitman, he knows where you live.

Submitted by: Mondli Mazibuko
8

Couldn’t remember your appointment then you find out it was with your memory doctor. Here’s your sign.

Submitted by: Barbara Hicks
5

I don’t have any exs I have whys? Yeah why in the hell did I date you!!!?

Submitted by: kylie
6

Life is a climb but the view is great, until you fall off!.

Submitted by: vashti
6

Cuddle a chemist and see the reaction.

Submitted by: Nitostosin
12

In life go straight and turn right. ! ;)

Submitted by: Sundas Zaheer
19

Someday they’re going to call me “M’am” without adding “You’re making a scene”.

Submitted by: sandra blackburn
3

Google: I have everything. !!
Facebook: I know everyone. !
Tweeter: I know what you guys think!!
Internet: Gosh!!!w/out me. !!you guys are nothing!!!
Funny Quote: Google: I have everything. !! Facebook: I...

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Submitted by: hearty diamond
28

A baby monkey asks his father thus; father, why are we so ugly?
The father says: don’t stress my son, you should see the one reading this text.

Submitted by: hadikson
3

They said the world is going to end this year…Pssh They can barely predict the weather.


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