Short Funny Quotes - Page 8

15

My parents told me “You watch too much TV and should try reading more!” So I turned on the subtitles.

1

One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life: Pull the door that says push.

6

Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

4

People often ask when I was born and I tell them I cannot remember, I was a kid at the time.

Submitted by: davidj
4

I know I am level headed cause I dribble from both sides of my mouth equally.

Submitted by: davidj
2

Being last isn’t always a bad thing. Just think of the first guinea pigs at a beauty academy!

Submitted by: The Eight Jerrys
2

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”

4

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
– Gail Carriger
Funny Quote: I never gossip. I observe. And then...

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4

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth

1

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
– Ellen DeGeneres

2

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
Funny Quote: Never put off until tomorrow what you...

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5

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
– Paul Terry

5

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
– A.A. Milne

14

Every time I see a math word problem it looks like this:
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples. How many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Answer:
Purple because aliens don’t wear hats.

Submitted by: sweetpea
12

I only drink alcohol when I am alone or with someone else.

Submitted by: Drew
4

Apart From That, Mrs. Lincoln – How Did You Like The Play?

Submitted by: eee
16

Oh no she didn’t
Sweetie I think she just did.

Submitted by: isis smith
4

Old is always fifteen years from now.
Bill Cosby

5

Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.
Bill Cosby

2

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bill Cosby

0

Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

Submitted by: Nathan
5

I walked into the bank today. Next time I will look where I am going.

Submitted by: Neil Smith
5

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry. If it ain’t broken, fix it til it is.

Submitted by: Johnson girl
1

They say you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides, I say, you can, but you might get your hands dirty in the process.

Submitted by: Butter Theory
3

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives.
Oscar Wilde
Funny Quote: After a good dinner one can forgive...

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4

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
– Orson Welles
Funny Quote: Ask not what you can do for...

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2

What is the speed of dark?
Steven Wright

7

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright

2

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright

3

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright


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