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Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

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What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
Milkshake

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Life is a game with a small fault…there is no “restart button” in it.

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Walking into a restaurant…
Waiter: Would you like a table?
Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please.

Me when parents are sleeping: shh they’re asleep.
My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum for three hours.

I learned three things in school:
1. How to text without looking.
2. How to sleep with my eyes open.
3. And teamwork during tests.

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin

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We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

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Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.

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People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
– Leo J. Burke

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I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.

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Don’t regret doing something, regret getting caught.

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QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!!!
]

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After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

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Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.

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People have told me to never say never – they broke their own rule!

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Yesterday I ran into my ex.
Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.

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L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.
Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now.
I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!!

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If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?

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In the beginning God made the heaven and the earth. The rest was made in China.

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We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!

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Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Nooooooo.

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