Short Funny Quotes - Page 8
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
You: Go to hell.
Me: I go on vacations there.
I’m not going to sit here and stand for that!
– Rush Limbaugh
3 blonds were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. “Those are moose tracks” the first blond said. “No, there deer tracks. ” the second blond replied. “You’re both wrong,” the third blond retorted. “Those are elk tracks. ” the blonds were still arguing when a train hit them.
Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food”.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.
Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.
There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts.
And the others are men.
The awkward moment when Wikipedia has copied your homework.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”
When I was a kid, I used to sing, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P”
I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em not to f*** with you.
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.
Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!