Short Funny Quotes

I don’t care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Jim Carrey

Ever since I started to get recognition I’ve picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
Jim Carrey

I practiced making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
Jim Carrey

Behind every great man there is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“To get to his gay friend.”

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The chicken.”

Submitted by: Danny

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

10 years ago, people said, “Been there, done that”.
Now people say, “Seen there, watched that”.

Submitted by: LILLIAN

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
– E. Joseph Cossman

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.
Sam Levenson

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