Short Funny Quotes - Page 8
I wish my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of food.
It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son – and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
~ Helen Rowland
No matter how many pens I buy, they always ‘mysteriously’ go missing.
I want a six month vacation…Twice a year.
Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.
– Charles M. Schulz
I will procrastinate later.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life: Pull the door that says push.
“THE IMPOSSIBLE…” what nobody can do until some body does…….
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Henny Youngman
The first 40 years of your childhood are always the hardest.
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and you’ll end up in the hospital.
You either like me or you hate me, either way, you idiots still know my name.
I’m not random. I just have many thoughts I feel you should know.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted and the time of your life!
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.
Good girls ar bad girls that aren’t caught.
They say that love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?
– Nishan Panwar
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
– Jarod Kintz
If there’s a Hell on Earth, it’s high school.
– Lisa Desrochers
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.
From great power comes a great electricity bill.
When life gives you Justin Beiber, ASK FOR THE LEMONS BACK!!!
Ok so I applied for a job at a mental hospital and they said I needed 24 hrs experience with a retard..so …uhh…um do you wanna hang out?
I always lie. Trust me.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.
Maybe life should stop giving lemons… It just gives people ideas on what to do with it.
No one is as ugly as their driving license/identity card picture, nor as good- looking as their Facebook profile pic..!:D;)
I’m on a seafood diet.. I see food and then I eat it.
If I’m not back in 5 minutes… Wait longer..
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Everybody makes mistakes.. The trick is making em when nobody is around..
When life hands you lemons… Make apple cider.. Then sit back and have everyone wondering how you did it.
I am making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, your one of them.