Short Funny Quotes - Page 8
A truthful man doesn’t need a good memory, but a lair does.
If cats could write history, their history would be mostly about cats.
- Eugen Weber
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
- Robert Orben
My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
I’m the type of person that wants to get good grades but doesn’t want to study.
Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.
You study to remember
If you remember too much you forget
If you forget you don’t know what you studied
If you forgot what you studied you fail your test.
SO WHY STUDY?
The voices in my head aren’t real…my dog told me so.
If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.
All I want is for one guy to prove that they are not all the same.
Once I Realized That You Can Buy Trophies, I Became Good At Everything. (;
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
I am making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, your one of them.
Every person tells minimum of 4 lies per day so approx 1490 lies a year! and the most common and favorite lies are I am fine and I was very busy…:)
The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
Can you cry under water?
Do fishes ever get thirsty?
Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?
Why does round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
- Mae West
I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.
- Mae West
“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
- Theodore Roosevelt
If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
Immature is the word mature people use to describe fun people.
I saw a bug then I thought of you so I stepped on it.