Short Funny Quotes

I feel that India’s story is like walking up a spiral on a mountain. You walk and walk and then you turn and you can see the sky.
Gulzar

There was a time when people said, ‘Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.’ Now they just say, ‘Pay him!’
Jim Carrey

Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
Jim Carrey

My report card always said, ‘Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students’.
Jim Carrey

If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer!
Jim Carrey

I don’t care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Jim Carrey

Ever since I started to get recognition I’ve picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
Jim Carrey

I practiced making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
Jim Carrey

Behind every great man there is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“To get to his gay friend.”

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The chicken.”

Submitted by: Danny

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
Phyllis Diller

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