Short Funny Quotes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin
Anti-Pick Up Lines:
He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.
He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.
He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?
He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.
He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.
He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
THINK its not illegal yet
Why is there no egg in eggplant and no ham in hamburger?
People have told me to never say never – they broke their own rule!
QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!!!
If I’m not back in 5 minutes… Wait longer..
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Everybody makes mistakes.. The trick is making em when nobody is around..
When life hands you lemons… Make apple cider.. Then sit back and have everyone wondering how you did it.
L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.
Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now.
I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!!
Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin
When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
– Groucho Marx
If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?