Short Funny Quotes
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Your intelligence is my common sense.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin
When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?
Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.
If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?
Anti-Pick Up Lines:
He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.
He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.
He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?
He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.
He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.
He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
So I ran into my ex the other day…
then I put it in reverse and hit him again
Always follow the light out of the tunnel. Just make sure that its not a train.