Short Funny Quotes

I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

Submitted by: Sir Custac Cant

Your intelligence is my common sense.

Submitted by: Swapnil

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?

Submitted by: win_ringette

Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.

Submitted by: J3$$a

Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.

Submitted by: imo-gadget-303

I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.

Submitted by: D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R123

If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?

Submitted by: haylse

Anti-Pick Up Lines:

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

Submitted by: Kazzaaa

If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!

Submitted by: Saadi

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Submitted by: Sam

We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!

Submitted by: BestFriend

So I ran into my ex the other day…
then I put it in reverse and hit him again

Submitted by: xXxAmandaxXx

Always follow the light out of the tunnel. Just make sure that its not a train.

Submitted by: Enos

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