Short Funny Quotes

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

Submitted by: Sir Custac Cant

When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?

Submitted by: win_ringette

Your intelligence is my common sense.

Submitted by: Swapnil

Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.

Submitted by: J3$$a

I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.

Submitted by: D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R123

If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?

Submitted by: haylse

Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.

Submitted by: imo-gadget-303

Anti-Pick Up Lines:

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?

He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.

He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.

He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

Submitted by: Kazzaaa

If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!

Submitted by: Saadi

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Submitted by: Sam

Always follow the light out of the tunnel. Just make sure that its not a train.

Submitted by: Enos

So many men and yet so few brains.

Submitted by: Frandia

So I ran into my ex the other day…
then I put it in reverse and hit him again

Submitted by: xXxAmandaxXx

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