Short Funny Quotes
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin
L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say.
Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now.
I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!!
Anti-Pick Up Lines:
He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.
He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.
He: I think I could make you very happy.
She: Why? Are you leaving?
He: Shall we go see a movie?
She: I have already seen it.
He: Where have you been all my life?
She: Hiding from you.
He: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin
Heaven doesn’t want me…and hell is too scared I’ll take over.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken what does it say?
Push can get you almost anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.
If our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot!
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing!
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.