Short Funny Quotes - Page 9
I’m single because I was born that way.
- Mae West
Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
- Robert Orben
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
- Phyllis Diller
The awkward moment when Wikipedia has copied your homework.
My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”
When I was a kid, I used to sing, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P”
I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em not to f*** with you.
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.
Creation which cannot express itself becomes madness.
- Anaïs Nin
Two things I dislike about my granddaughter when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.
- Gene Perret
On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.
- Gene Perret
Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.
- Gene Perret
Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents.
- Gene Perret
If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.