Short Funny Quotes - Page 9

1

Being last isn’t always a bad thing. Just think of the first guinea pigs at a beauty academy!

Submitted by: The Eight Jerrys
1

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”

2

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
- Gail Carriger
Gossip-(5)

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2

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

0

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres

2

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
Laziness-(6)

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4

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
- Paul Terry

4

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A.A. Milne

10

Every time I see a math word problem it looks like this:
If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples. How many pancakes will fit on the roof?
Answer:
Purple because aliens don’t wear hats.

Submitted by: sweetpea
8

I only drink alcohol when I am alone or with someone else.

Submitted by: Drew
2

Apart From That, Mrs. Lincoln – How Did You Like The Play?

Submitted by: eee
6

Oh no she didn’t
Sweetie I think she just did.

Submitted by: isis smith
3

Old is always fifteen years from now.
- Bill Cosby

4

Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.
- Bill Cosby

1

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Bill Cosby

0

Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.”

Submitted by: Nathan
3

I walked into the bank today. Next time I will look where I am going.

Submitted by: Neil Smith
3

Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry. If it ain’t broken, fix it til it is.

Submitted by: Johnson girl
0

They say you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides, I say, you can, but you might get your hands dirty in the process.

Submitted by: Butter Theory
1

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives.
- Oscar Wilde
Food-(4)

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2

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
- Orson Welles
Food-(3)

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1

What is the speed of dark?
- Steven Wright

4

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
- Steven Wright

1

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Steven Wright

1

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Steven Wright


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