Short Funny Quotes - Page 9
Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us.
Amateurs build planes professionals built the titanic, how do you feel now?
When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons?
Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake!
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me?
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
With great power… Comes great need to take a nap.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words.
What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?”
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
It has come to my attention, that air pollution is polluting the air!
- George W. Bush
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Life is Short – Talk Fast!
The future just ain’t what it used to be.
Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.
I only drink alchohol on days that end in y…
Every person tells minimum of 4 lies per day so approx 1490 lies a year! and the most common and favorite lies are I am fine and I was very busy…:)
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t wanna be there when it happens.
Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk & the Boy next to you took three, what would you have?
Student: A Fight.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Immature is the word mature people use to describe fun people.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
- Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
I’m the type of person that wants to get good grades but doesn’t want to study.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
The guy who invented the wheel is an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, now he is the genius!!
From great power comes a great electricity bill.
Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and you’ll end up in the hospital.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
- Bill Watterson
Here are some more!
I wish the dollar store sold gas.
I don’t want to brag, or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!
If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it, it will never change. And if the parade gets boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast- forward the parade.
I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different.
This one my friend told me. Her brother and his friends come up with pick- up lines all day. Here is one of them.
I am going to take a hot shower. It’s like a cold shower, but with me in it.
I lost the entire left side of my body. I’m alright now.
I love it when you walk through a spider- web, you all of the sudden learn kung- fu.
A man came to the door and asked if I would donate to the local swimming pool. So I have him a glass of water.
Help me! I’m choking on an ice cube!. Never mind, I’m good.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.