Short Funny Quotes - Page 9
The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU are “Salary is Credited”. :)
The correct phobic term for the fear of long words? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (!)
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
- Jerry Seinfeld
Did you know that 8 out of 3 people don’t get fractions.
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
It always gets laughs!
A boomerang is just a Frisbee for people that don’t have any friends.
My Reality Check bounced.
The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source.
~ Benjamin Franklin
If any of my competitors were drowning, I’d stick a hose in their mouth
- Ray Kroc
Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.
- Charles M. Schulz
If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance that you won’t have any.
- Clarence Day
The closest I’ve come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.
When all else fails, read the directions.
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Waiting for the perfect girl? Idiot, even if you find her she’ll be waiting for the perfect man.
I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck
Being last isn’t always a bad thing. Just think of the first guinea pigs at a beauty academy!
Any idiot can put up a website.
- Patricia Briggs
Make it idiot- proof, and someone will make a better idiot!
Cobra 1 asks cobra 2
Cobra 1 : Are we poisonous?
Cobra 2 : Why are you asking?
Cobra 1 : I think I just bit my lip.
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.
- Lauren Myracle
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I forgot.
I would agree with you if you were right
Save water and shower together
If nothing in life is free, why do they make samples!
On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.
- Gene Perret
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
I am making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, your one of them.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
- Sam Levenson
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
- Golda Meir
Some say the glass is half empty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.
I don’t understand why funeral has the word “Fun” in it.