Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

The first sign of madness is: hairs on the palms of your hands.
The second sign is: looking for them.

Submitted by: Dom

To the guy who texted me the last day
“I love you. So what do you think?”

A reply to him.
“Yes. Of course even I love myself”.

Submitted by: Dew Dey

Asked the cause of my injury, I explained: “My back couldn’t bear the weight of my stupidity.”
Alan Robert Neal

Whoever put the word fun in funeral?
Anthony Liccione

Submitted by: Michael P.

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson

It’s an easy thing to commit a sin, I wonder how God expects people to fail doing an easy task.

Submitted by: Khaya

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Submitted by: Playjareyes

If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

Submitted by: John Bennett Hartnett

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.
Criss Jami

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

Submitted by: James Hepple

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

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