Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

If someone tells you to never take advice from anyone should you take his?

Submitted by: anonymous

Teacher: What do you wish to do with your future?
Me: Stay alive until the day I die.

Submitted by: elizzabeth hamilton

The first sign of madness is: hairs on the palms of your hands.
The second sign is: looking for them.

Submitted by: Dom

To the guy who texted me the last day
“I love you. So what do you think?”

A reply to him.
“Yes. Of course even I love myself”.

Submitted by: Dew Dey

Asked the cause of my injury, I explained: “My back couldn’t bear the weight of my stupidity.”
Alan Robert Neal

Whoever put the word fun in funeral?
Anthony Liccione

Submitted by: Michael P.

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson

It’s an easy thing to commit a sin, I wonder how God expects people to fail doing an easy task.

Submitted by: Khaya

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Submitted by: Playjareyes
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If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

Submitted by: John Bennett Hartnett

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.
Criss Jami

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

Submitted by: James Hepple

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

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