Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein
We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.
A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.
Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
– Jimmy Buffett
I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.
Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!
Politics is the second oldest profession on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.
When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)
129% of people exaggerate.
If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.
If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I can resist everything except temptation.
– Oscar Wilde
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.