Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

228

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Submitted by: Dylan
20

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

Submitted by: Sujit
19

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Submitted by: Shorty
32

There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

Submitted by: smiley35
16

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
- Albert Einstein

Submitted by: Jake
4

We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

Submitted by: Mocca, William
18

A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

Submitted by: Debra Ramey
54

Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

Submitted by: jenny:
14

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Submitted by: sofie
9

There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

Submitted by: Rebecca
19

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Submitted by: Shorty
27

“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”

Submitted by: Bertha
12

Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

Submitted by: Adellaide
5

I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.

Submitted by: domonique
22

I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

Submitted by: Bunni
15

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

Submitted by: angiela
8

Indecision may or may not be my problem.
- Jimmy Buffett

Submitted by: Caitlin Malicki
30

Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.

Submitted by: Nicole
43

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo
25

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!

Submitted by: Torie
42

I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

Submitted by: Susanne
1

Politics is the second oldest profession on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.

Submitted by: Ray
33

129% of people exaggerate.

Submitted by: Jenny A.
33

If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.

Submitted by: tex
24

When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)

Submitted by: Billie Jean

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