Witty Quotes | Witty Phrases | Sayings with Verbal Humor - Page 2

There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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You can’t spell families, without “lies”.

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Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

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Trust me I am a liar.

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There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.

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Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

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3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

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There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

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Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
– Winston Churchill

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If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

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When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)

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I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.

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A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

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We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

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An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

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When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.

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Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!

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When people ask me with a judging undertone just why it is i’m talking to myself, I answer them: “At least, this way, i’m sure that i’m talking to someone as intelligent as myself, which is as hard to find as a decent answer to that ridiculous question.”

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If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

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