Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 2

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My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.

Submitted by: Patrick

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Submitted by: Mark Cromo

That seems more of a your problem, than my problem!

Submitted by: AJ Johnson

Canada gave America Justin Bieber. America gave Canada the first nuclear wasteland.

Submitted by: Ali D.

Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!

Submitted by: succor146

I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Submitted by: Philip Warph

Common sense is not so common.

Submitted by: A$$tastic

Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.

Submitted by: Darell Hill

The voices in my head were arguing over who would be me today.

Submitted by: Darell Hill

Department of redundancy department.

Submitted by: Gary

He was a modest man, with much to be modest about.

Submitted by: Gary

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

If life gives you lemons. Eat carrots.

Submitted by: Naila Boo

Save the world. Destroy humans.

Submitted by: christina

I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.

Submitted by: Gary

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