Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 2
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
Common sense is not so common.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
You can’t be late until you show up.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.
A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
There is a thin line between genius and insanity and I have erased it.
Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
Raisins that look like chocolate chips is the reason why I have trust issues.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Steven Wright
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!
You can’t spell families, without “lies”.