Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 3
If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.
There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.
Why do psychics ask your name?
45.65% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I used to be indecisive but now I’m not too sure.
When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”.
It never rains on a dry day.
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
Top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
I used to get lost in the shuffle, but now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.
I may never get out of this world alive but I’ll die trying.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.
Politics is the second oldest profession on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.
I was once told I can do anything as long as I believe in myself.
I wanted to fly so I jumped off a building…. It didn’t work.
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.
The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The other day at radio shack a manager was giving out dead batteries FREE OF CHARGE.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.
There is a thin line between genius and insanity and I have erased it.
What exactly does pedantic mean?