Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 3
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Albert Einstein
It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
– Harry S Truman
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
Must Do: Make a to- do list
I refuse to have a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.
Don’t be so humble- you are not that great.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Steven Wright
If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
– Winston Churchill
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
– Benjamin Franklin
When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.
If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.