Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 3

4

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright

4

It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman

7

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein

11

If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

Submitted by: Jamyang Tenzin
5

You never learn anything by doing it right.

38

If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

Submitted by: chris cropp
5

It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
– Harry S Truman

12

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

17

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Submitted by: dev
48

When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.

Submitted by: Marie
7

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

3

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder
3

Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.

Submitted by: tina trotter
7

I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

8

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.

Submitted by: Amber
16

What exactly does pedantic mean?

Submitted by: Happy spud
4

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl
1

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Witty Quote: Everywhere is within walking distance if you...

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9

I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.

Submitted by: Moe
21

Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas

Submitted by: Guest1
38

Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.

Submitted by: bob
27

‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)

Submitted by: Olga
5

An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

Submitted by: Phil Sanchez
24

87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Submitted by: Lyle Brewer
7

So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.

Submitted by: M.M.G
12

Why do psychics ask your name?

Submitted by: Juddy
1

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin

Witty Quote: Three may keep a secret, if two...

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7

Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.

Submitted by: Darell Hill
4

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Witty Quote: There are two rules in life. 1....

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12

If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.

Submitted by: Dyoung shall grow

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