Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 3
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Steven Wright
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Albert Einstein
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?
You never learn anything by doing it right.
If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.
It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
– Harry S Truman
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith
Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow
Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
What exactly does pedantic mean?
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
Why do psychics ask your name?
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
– Benjamin Franklin
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.