Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4

55

So I’m at that place where they gun you down as death sentence. I think it was in Texas or someplace near. Well, I’m about to be killed and the officer in charge is coming up to tell the gunners to hold their fire because I am innocent. You would not believe my luck. At that exact moment, a house nearby catches fire and a woman yells out the window, “Fire!”.

Submitted by: Paul
49

The grass may be greener on the other side…but someone has to mow it!

Submitted by: Mel
23

When you’re working in the hive, you have but two choices. To bee, or not to bee.

Submitted by: Paul
17

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Submitted by: sofie
13

Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

Submitted by: Adellaide
4

We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

Submitted by: Mocca, William
8

Indecision may or may not be my problem.
– Jimmy Buffett

Submitted by: Caitlin Malicki
21

Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas

Submitted by: Guest1
20

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

Submitted by: Sujit
47

You can’t spell families, without “lies”.

Submitted by: Dawn U loverly
45

Some think way too much of their own worth. Just leave them to bask in the delusion of their own reflected glory.

Submitted by: Candice
80

East or West, Home is best
…”I see you’ve not been to North”

Submitted by: nyogz
29

A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

Submitted by: Hira
22

I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

Submitted by: Bunni
24

87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Submitted by: Lyle Brewer
24

When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)

Submitted by: Billie Jean
14

Must Do: Make a to- do list

Submitted by: D
9

Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.

Submitted by: D
17

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Submitted by: dev
38

Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX
32

There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.

Submitted by: Willis Wilson
16

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein

Submitted by: Jake
63

Statistics are overrated…
20% of people know that!

Submitted by: LovingKing
80

I can’t walk a mile in your shoes. They’re too small.

Submitted by: Dahlia v.
115

My Friend doesn’t want Monday to come. I was thinking I could put the word out and see if any of the other days might do a double…Sunday, you Free?

Submitted by: Deb Henry
33

129% of people exaggerate.

Submitted by: Jenny A.
153

Did you just call me pedantic?
(Please say there are people who get this one =P!!)

Submitted by: Carl K. J
64

Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!

Submitted by: darla
18

A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

Submitted by: Debra Ramey
64

Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.

Submitted by: UB313

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