Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
So I’m at that place where they gun you down as death sentence. I think it was in Texas or someplace near. Well, I’m about to be killed and the officer in charge is coming up to tell the gunners to hold their fire because I am innocent. You would not believe my luck. At that exact moment, a house nearby catches fire and a woman yells out the window, “Fire!”.
The grass may be greener on the other side…but someone has to mow it!
When you’re working in the hive, you have but two choices. To bee, or not to bee.
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
– Jimmy Buffett
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.
You can’t spell families, without “lies”.
Some think way too much of their own worth. Just leave them to bask in the delusion of their own reflected glory.
East or West, Home is best
…”I see you’ve not been to North”
A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)
I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)
Must Do: Make a to- do list
Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein
Statistics are overrated…
20% of people know that!
I can’t walk a mile in your shoes. They’re too small.
My Friend doesn’t want Monday to come. I was thinking I could put the word out and see if any of the other days might do a double…Sunday, you Free?
129% of people exaggerate.
Did you just call me pedantic?
(Please say there are people who get this one =P!!)
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!
A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.
Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.