Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
I can’t walk a mile in your shoes. They’re too small.
My Friend doesn’t want Monday to come. I was thinking I could put the word out and see if any of the other days might do a double…Sunday, you Free?
129% of people exaggerate.
Did you just call me pedantic?
(Please say there are people who get this one =P!!)
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!
A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.
Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.
Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?
They say you should never look back, so I focused on what was in front of me. Little did I know… A car was coming…
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!
Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.
An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!
Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
Newtons Law of Romance:
Love can neither be created nor be destroyed,
It can only be changed from one girl friend to another.
If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.
A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
- John Alejandro King
I refuse to have a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.
Don’t be so humble- you are not that great.
There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.
I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.
When people ask me with a judging undertone just why it is i’m talking to myself, I answer them: “At least, this way, i’m sure that i’m talking to someone as intelligent as myself, which is as hard to find as a decent answer to that ridiculous question.”
‘In the begining, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very unhappy and was widely considered as a bad move…”
A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.”
so he drops her off at a gas station.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”