Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 6
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields
My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.
It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.
Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman
I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King