Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 6

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I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.

Submitted by: Moe

If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.

Submitted by: Erik

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields

My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :)

Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies

I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

Submitted by: Inspired

It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman

I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

Submitted by: nam

I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.

Submitted by: Tom

A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King

Submitted by: Chris Childs

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