Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

The voices in my head were arguing over who would be me today.

Submitted by: Darell Hill

I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

Submitted by: Glen

When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”.

Submitted by: Ashley Abrahams

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

Submitted by: Inspired

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright

Top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
10.

Submitted by: joseph

I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.

Submitted by: Tom

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.

Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.

Submitted by: D
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Understanding the single-line quote is like comprehending the bulky book with its title only and correctly.
– Anuj Somany

Submitted by: Anuj Somany

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not too sure.

Submitted by: quulkid

A man mixed with a cat will improve the man, but deteriorate the cat.

Submitted by: Casey

I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.

Submitted by: Bemard

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?
– Albert Einstein

Submitted by: maria

I used to get lost in the shuffle, but now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Submitted by: roger garrett

Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?

Submitted by: rawr

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.

Submitted by: Gary

Nothing but the future lies ahead.

Submitted by: Bud Black
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I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.

Submitted by: nam

Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

Submitted by: Mark Simmons II

I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there!

Submitted by: Kathy Ashton

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