Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.

Submitted by: tina trotter

I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :)

I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.

Submitted by: Moe

Suicide is the most sincere form of self- criticism.

My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl

Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ

I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

Submitted by: nam

An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

Submitted by: Phil Sanchez

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX

You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.

Submitted by: Geraldine

I’m not bossy I just know what you should be doing.

Submitted by: hoodyninja

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields

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