Witty Quotes | Witty Phrases | Sayings with Verbal Humor - Page 6

Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.

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My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

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Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

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I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

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Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

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My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

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If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

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An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

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It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

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You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there!

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I’m not bossy I just know what you should be doing.

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If someone tells you to never take advice from anyone should you take his?

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Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

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I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

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If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields

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If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

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I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

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Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

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When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”.

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