Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 6
My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
– Groucho Marx
A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.”
so he drops her off at a gas station.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there!
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright
I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.
I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King
Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.
In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
– cory taylor
Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.
Save a tree, eat a beaver…
Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!
Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.
If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.
There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.
Nothing but the future lies ahead.
I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.
I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.
I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.
Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!
Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!
A rolling stone gathers no moss… But if I stop the stone then it still takes a long time for the moss to grow.
He was a modest man, with much to be modest about.