Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 6


A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.”
so he drops her off at a gas station.

Submitted by: crazygenius

Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?

Submitted by: rawr

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright


There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.

Submitted by: victor

In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
– cory taylor

Submitted by: Seth

I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.

Submitted by: nam

Statistics are overrated…
20% of people know that!

Submitted by: LovingKing

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

Witty Quote: Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does...

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A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King

Submitted by: Chris Childs

Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!

Submitted by: admin

Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.

Submitted by: UB313

Save a tree, eat a beaver…

Submitted by: tom

If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

Submitted by: Inspired

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

Witty Quote: Tact is the ability to tell someone...

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Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX

Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

Submitted by: Mark Simmons II

Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!

Submitted by: darla

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

Witty Quote: If you have nothing to be grateful...

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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx


I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Witty Quote: There are two rules in life. 1....

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Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

Witty Quote: A compromise is an agreement whereby both...

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Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!

Submitted by: succor146

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!

Witty Quote: My mom has the most awesome daughter...

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