Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 6
Nothing but the future lies ahead.
A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.”
so he drops her off at a gas station.
I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.
My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.
It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.
My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.
There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.
In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
– cory taylor
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King
Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!
Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.
If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Save a tree, eat a beaver…
Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
– Groucho Marx
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright
Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone!
I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.
Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!
My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!
Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!
45.65% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man mixed with a cat will improve the man, but deteriorate the cat.