Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

Submitted by: Mark Simmons II

Politics is the second oldest profession on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.

Submitted by: Ray

I was once told I can do anything as long as I believe in myself.
I wanted to fly so I jumped off a building…. It didn’t work.

Submitted by: H.E.T

Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.

Submitted by: H.E.T

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :)

You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.

Submitted by: Geraldine

The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Submitted by: Mika

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Submitted by: kanurelly

The other day at radio shack a manager was giving out dead batteries FREE OF CHARGE.

Submitted by: Ali

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

Submitted by: angiela

There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

Submitted by: Rebecca

There is a thin line between genius and insanity and I have erased it.

Submitted by: prixitsheel(chamba)

What exactly does pedantic mean?

Submitted by: Happy spud

So I’m at that place where they gun you down as death sentence. I think it was in Texas or someplace near. Well, I’m about to be killed and the officer in charge is coming up to tell the gunners to hold their fire because I am innocent. You would not believe my luck. At that exact moment, a house nearby catches fire and a woman yells out the window, “Fire!”.

Submitted by: Paul

The grass may be greener on the other side…but someone has to mow it!

Submitted by: Mel

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