Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?

Submitted by: rawr

I used to get lost in the shuffle, but now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Submitted by: roger garrett

I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.

Submitted by: nam

Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

Submitted by: Mark Simmons II

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody

I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.

Submitted by: Gary

Nothing but the future lies ahead.

Submitted by: Bud Black

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

Save the world. Destroy humans.’

Submitted by: christina
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You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there!

Submitted by: Kathy Ashton

There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.

Submitted by: victor

Canada gave America Justin Bieber. America gave Canada the first nuclear wasteland.

Submitted by: Ali D.

Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a**!

Submitted by: succor146

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright

If life gives you lemons. Eat carrots.

Submitted by: Naila Boo

They say you should never look back, so I focused on what was in front of me. Little did I know… A car was coming…

Submitted by: robin

Person 1: That lady looks really interesting.
Person 2: She looks like her daddy.

Submitted by: IAmunknown

He was a modest man, with much to be modest about.

Submitted by: Gary

So I’m at that place where they gun you down as death sentence. I think it was in Texas or someplace near. Well, I’m about to be killed and the officer in charge is coming up to tell the gunners to hold their fire because I am innocent. You would not believe my luck. At that exact moment, a house nearby catches fire and a woman yells out the window, “Fire!”.

Submitted by: Paul

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