Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX

An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

Submitted by: Phil Sanchez

I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

Submitted by: nam

That seems more of a your problem, than my problem!

Submitted by: AJ Johnson

A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King

Submitted by: Chris Childs

You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.

Submitted by: Geraldine

It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman

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