Quotes by Phyllis Diller

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: I’m at an age when my back...

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: A smile is a curve that sets...

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: Never go to bed mad. Stay up...

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: I want my children to have all...

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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: Cleaning your house while your kids are...

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Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: Housework won’t kill you, but then again,...

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: Women want men, careers, money, children, friends,...

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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: What I don’t like about office Christmas...

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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: You know you’re old if they have...

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: The only time I ever enjoyed ironing...

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I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: I asked the waiter, “Is this milk...

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
– Phyllis Diller

Quote: Always be nice to your children because...

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