American actress and a comedian.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. – Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run. – Phyllis Diller
Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance? – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot. – Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.” – Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like. – Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
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