Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

American stand-up comedian

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, ‘no’.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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