Short Funny Quotes

How to get a bloody nose:
I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.

Submitted by: Brett Mitchell

During a test, when the teacher passed by, you cover your answers with your hand, so that the teacher cannot see how stupid you are.

I meditate; therefore, you live.

Submitted by: Neo Shamon

The only bad thing about drinking and driving is the trees defend themselves really well.

Submitted by: Travin

Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.

Submitted by: Kaleb

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

CUDDLE BUDDY NEEDED: Flexible hours. Minimum 2 nights a week. Must have great cuddling & massage skills. Conversation skills not necessary

Technically you could live without food for the rest of your life.

Submitted by: Echo

You might be a firefighter if the microwave goes off and you run out of the house thinking it was your pager.

You might be a fireman if you’ve ever said, “she’s hot tonight” and not been talking about a girl.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright


How come wrong numbers are never busy?

And, sure, fine, I do check my phone about every two minutes, but so do a lot of people, and it’s better than smoking, that’s what I say. It’s the new, lung-safe cigarette.
– Aimee Bender

You know, a cell phone’s like a guy; if you don’t plug him in every night, charge him good, you got nothing at all.
– Catherine Coulter

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment, now that I’m a mom I think nap time is a vacation.

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