Waiting for the perfect girl? Idiot, even if you find her she’ll be waiting for the perfect man.
Stop asking for oranges! Some of us haven’t even received our lemons yet!!!
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Who invented Mondays, I’d like to have a word with him.
I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday and Friday is so close to Monday.
Thanks to all those who ask the awkward questions on yahoo answers so that we don’t have to.
If someone says: “No offense”, he/she is about to say something offensive.
Okay It’s been more than ten years now I confess I let the dogs out
The only way to look slim is to hang out with fat people.
“Behind Every Gorgeous Female, Lies A Lot Of Envious Chicks”
I feel bad for a giraffe who has to throw up.
Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. – Ambrose Bierce
Welcome to the dark side. What? Surprised? We lied about the cookies.
People say that I’m indecisive, but…I don’t know if I am, well maybe.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – Steven Wright
Why is it called a walkie- talkie if a vacuum cleaner isn’t called a pushy- sucky?
Inside me is a thin person screaming to get out … But she has trouble being heard through all the fat.
Why do people try park as close as the can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?
I feel so lost without you… Mostly because you have my compass.
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