Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.
Criss Jami

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

Submitted by: James Hepple on February 22, 2015

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

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If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

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Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.

Submitted by: Anika on November 26, 2013

If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

Submitted by: Thomas on August 14, 2013

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson on August 6, 2013

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