Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :) on August 20, 2011

Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies on November 5, 2009

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl on July 12, 2012

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder on April 21, 2012
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It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ on October 31, 2011

An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

Submitted by: Phil Sanchez on May 31, 2012

I’m not bossy I just know what you should be doing.

Submitted by: hoodyninja on January 16, 2012

I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

Submitted by: nam on March 1, 2012

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields

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Let’s just pretend I’m the Barbie you’ll never get to play with.
I don’t repeat gossip so listen very carefully.

Submitted by: XxkeeelyxX on July 17, 2010

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.

Submitted by: amy o on August 3, 2012

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