Short Funny Quotes

I love it when I buy a bag of air & the company is nice enough to put some chips in.

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
A mother’s menu consists of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Submitted by: jaza on August 14, 2010

A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny?
Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

Submitted by: Nhlaks on November 27, 2013

Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.


If you expect the unexpcted, then isn’t the unexpected the expected?!

Submitted by: katie on April 22, 2009

Some people are wise, some are otherwise.

Submitted by: Azrael on November 26, 2009

After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Submitted by: DUANE. G. FINCH. SR. on September 29, 2013

Strength can only give you power, but hope can give you success.

Submitted by: Sherry Qadeer on June 13, 2008

Yesterday I ran into my ex.
Then I pulled into reverse and ran over him again.

Submitted by: Katie on December 30, 2008

I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.

Submitted by: arun on February 8, 2009

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.

Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

Submitted by: erskmor4 on April 21, 2010

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

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