Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. The richer the better!
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
– George Carlin
I never understood why we call men “pigs” and “dogs”…pigs are smart and dogs are loyal.
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!
– Bill Maher
Men are like chocolate bars…they’re sweet and smooth but head straight for your hips.
The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble and doesn’t exist.
While creating men, God promised women that a good and ideal man would be found in all corners of the world, then He made the earth round.
Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Menopause, menstrual cramps, mental illness, mental breakdowns…ever notice that all of your problems begin with men?
So many men so little asprin.
Men are like buses… If you miss one another one will be coming in 5 minutes.
Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.
Men are the head of the family , Women are the neck ,they can turn the head wherever they please.
The only difference between men and boys are the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.
Men are like commercials, you can’t believe a word they say.
Always remember:
When SHE cancels a date, it is because..
“She has to.”
But
When HE cancels a date, it is because..
“He has two.”
Men only have two faults, everything they say and everything they do.
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs…
Little girls grow up to be ladies…Little boys grow up to be big boys
Women would rather be beautiful than smart only because men can see way better than they can think.
When you see a homeless man, feel no pity. He should have listened to his wife.
There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy…like nailing jelly to a tree for example.
What do men and clouds have in common???… When both are not around its a nice day!
Don’t trust a man who offers you the moon and the stars… Cause God knows his arms can’t reach that far.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
– George Carlin
Always go for a beautiful, intelligent & loving boy. But make sure the three boys don’t meet each other.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
– Rita Rudner
One day a man asked a genie to make him smarter than any other man on earth. The genie turned him into a woman.
There are three types of men in the world.
Men that are dominated by women and know it.
Men that are dominated by women and don’t know it.
And bachelors!!
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Husbands are like fine wine. They take time to mature.
– Letters to Juliet, the movie.
Men are like Bluetooth connection, when you are beside them, they stay connected but when you are away, they search for new devices.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!
Why don’t men get Mad Cow Disease?
Because they’re all pigs.
Men are like bank accounts, without money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; ex’s are from Uranus.
Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.
– Suze Orman
Behind every successful man there’s a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are several women.
God made men because every good thing needs a blue print.
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract!
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends with the same boss.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
– Erica Jong
If they can send man to the moon why can’t they send them all?
One thing all men need to know: It’s cheaper to keep her.
So many men and yet so few brains.
If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?! (- :
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you want to give a guy a compliment, just tell them that they are good at video games.
Most men think monogamy is what dining room tables are made of.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
– Elayne Boosler
They say, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a Man healty, wealthy and wise”, Well I’m not too sure if its entirely true, because I have never seen a healthy, wealthy and wise man.
There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”
Men are like commercials, you can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like buses… if you miss one another one will be coming in 5 minutes.
What do men and clouds have in common???….. When both are not around it’s a nice day!
Men…. I don’t get them, they spend 9 months of their life waiting to come out and the rest of their life trying to get in.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner
The man is not a dog – he will not run after bones.
Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.
– Albert Einstein
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
– Dave Barry
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
– Rita Rudner
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
– Groucho Marx
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
– Tim Allen
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, every Saturday he and his friends will load up beer and go fishing.
A man is always ready to go, it’s a women that says whether yes or no!
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
– Gloria Steinem
They all say they’re different but really they’re all just the same – boys.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield
When a woman wants a man’s opinion…She gives it to him.
Q: Why is it so hard to find a man that’s caring, considerate, and nice?
A: Because he already has a boyfriend.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
All men are dogs. It’s just that some make better pets!
Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do- it- yourself” types.
Things you’ll never hear a man say…
If at first you don’t succeed then you are probably a man.
A women needs a man like fish need a bicycle.
When God created man she was only joking.
If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.
A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
– Dino Levi
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap bag and dragged through mountains.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
– Tim Allen
A man can never be careful until he buys a new car and a white shirt.
A man – if he has all the good qualities of a MAN can be considered as one of THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD…
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
We can train a monkey to fly a jet but we can’t train a man to be humble.
Chocolate, men, coffee – some things are better rich.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
– Rita Rudner
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
– Maryon Pearson
I’m a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?
– Will Smith
A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
– Lana Turner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner
Men would rather buy you a drink than give you the hard cash to go help yourself.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
– Jackie Mason
Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.
– Louis C.K.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
All men are dogs, the difference is the barking rate!
Men are like toilets; deep, dark and full of sh**!
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Men are like blenders. You know you need one, but you’re not sure why.
Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
– Rene Descartes
A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run – Sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.
– Helen Rowland
Men don’t take direction very well. But eventually when they realize the direction was correct they take all the credit.
If human beings originated from monkeys, why do men act like dogs???
Boys are like dogs they run away then come back to you the very next day.
Dogs should not be compared to men, they are much better.
Men: Believe in ‘tough love’, until it comes to cutting onions.
Men: Will never ask for directions, but will always give them.
Men are like purses. Cute, full of sh*t and replaceable.:)
Men are stupid, if you forget this just give it a min, they’ll remind you again.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
– Groucho Marx
Men: Masters of the art of procrastination.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Don’t expect a woman that has no money to think negative And never expect a man loaded with cash to think positive.
Men: The only creatures who can make a 5-minute task last for hours.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
– Jerry Seinfeld
He’s a good man – he doesn’t flirt, drink, smoke or gamble and his children are adopted.
Men are like a pair of high heel shoes you wear them use them and throw them away for a new pair.
If not for women we won’t know sin. If not for eve, adam will still be on point.
The way to man’s heart is through an incision.
He suffers from delusions of grandeur; nevertheless he is truly grand!
– Boghos L. Artinian