Short Funny Quotes - Page 7

4

If Facebook ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.

22

I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

Submitted by: Sir Custac Cant
6

Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.

9

There are two types of human beings found on Facebook.
One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts.
And the others are men.

Submitted by: Rajesh Joe
5

The awkward moment when Wikipedia has copied your homework.

2

My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”

7

When I was a kid, I used to sing, “A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P”

6

I hate when I can’t remember if I am drying off my face with the same side of the towel I dried my butt off with.

10

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em not to f*** with you.

3

We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

7

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.

7

If a blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first?
The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for directions.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
5

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.

Submitted by: Armondo
5

Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.

Submitted by: T.WILL
7

Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died; maybe next time.

Submitted by: Aniqa
1

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips!

Submitted by: Jamie
2

I’m proud of myself I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!

Submitted by: Jamie
2

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
10

I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property”.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
4

Things on my “To do” list:

Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public.

Ask someone in a store what year it is and when they reply yell, “I did it!” and run out.

When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
7

When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you?

Submitted by: The Awesome 1
4

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Submitted by: Lisa
2

I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.

Submitted by: Lisa
2

An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my father is a doctor, so no apples for me.

Submitted by: muvuledzi
4

Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Submitted by: emma

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