Short Funny Quotes

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I saved a girl from being attacked...

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: My doctor told me to watch my...

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I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, ‘no’.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone...

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I told my wife the truth. I...

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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I could tell that my parents hated...

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates...

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Quote: What a kid I got, I told...

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