Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 2
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Steven Wright
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
If life gives you lemons. Eat carrots.
Save the world. Destroy humans.
I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.
Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.
If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing tomorrow.
If a job’s worth doing it’s worth leaving to mommy.
I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.
Nothing but the future lies ahead.
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there!
If my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.
The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine.
- Abraham Lincoln
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.
Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow
Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? I’ll look it up tomorrow.
I’m not superstitious, just stitious.
- Michael Scott
I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.
I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.
Raisins that look like chocolate chips is the reason why I have trust issues.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
A rolling stone gathers no moss… But if I stop the stone then it still takes a long time for the moss to grow.