Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean.
– Zach Galifianakis

If silence is golden, turning state’s evidence is at least platinum.

There are some idiots who always answer “No” to every question, now tell me. Are you one of them?

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.
Queen Elizabeth II

I’m going to sell my vacuum cleaner. It’s just sitting around collecting dust.

If you can keep your head while all around you lose theirs. Then you really don’t appreciate the seriousness of the problem.

Water and oil creates a heterogeneous mixture, oil always rises to the top. An argument with me is equivalent to this phenomenon.

It is so easy I can sleep with my eyes closed.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade, that throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons, until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
– Cassandra Claire.

Where there is a will, there is a quarrel.

If actions speak louder than words, then why did I learn English instead of martial arts?

If someone tells you to never take advice from anyone should you take his?

Teacher: What do you wish to do with your future?
Me: Stay alive until the day I die.

The first sign of madness is: hairs on the palms of your hands.
The second sign is: looking for them.

To the guy who texted me the last day
“I love you. So what do you think?”

A reply to him.
“Yes. Of course even I love myself”.

Asked the cause of my injury, I explained: “My back couldn’t bear the weight of my stupidity.”
Alan Robert Neal

Whoever put the word fun in funeral?
Anthony Liccione

I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson

It’s an easy thing to commit a sin, I wonder how God expects people to fail doing an easy task.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.
Criss Jami

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Winston Churchill

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