Witty Quotes | Witty Phrases | Sayings with Verbal Humor

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

2

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

5

Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

1

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

2

There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

2

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

2

Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

1

I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

1

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

0

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

1

A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on its shoes.

1

129% of people exaggerate.

2

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

0

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

1

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!

0

I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

0

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
– Bob Wells

0

If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

1

The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine.
– Abraham Lincoln

0

There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

0

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