Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Sincerely, the opportunist.
There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.
Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on its shoes.
129% of people exaggerate.
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!
I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. – Bob Wells
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.
The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine. – Abraham Lincoln
Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.
Energizer bunny arrested – charged with battery.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.
You can’t spell families, without “lies”.
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.
When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. – Winston Churchill
There are two rules in life. 1. Never give out all of the information.
A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)
I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.
If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?
We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.
An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!
When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.
When people ask me with a judging undertone just why it is i’m talking to myself, I answer them: “At least, this way, i’m sure that i’m talking to someone as intelligent as myself, which is as hard to find as a decent answer to that ridiculous question.”
Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?!
If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.
If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin
Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.
The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Indecision may or may not be my problem. – Jimmy Buffett
A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.” so he drops her off at a gas station.
My mom has the most awesome daughter in the world!
Common sense is not so common.
Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
I refuse to have a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent. Don’t be so humble- you are not that great.
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