EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.
I love you when you’re naked.
I’m not changing a thing, except my belly ring.
If I could unmeet some people I would.
Bad things happen to good people because it’s funnier.
You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.
My wife says I never listen to her. (Or something like that)
Wake me up when I am famous.
I am not anti social I am anti idiot.
Lawyers have feelings too. (Allegedly)
You are offended by things I say? Imagine the stuff I hold back…
Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
Cute but psycho.
I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.
Come to the math side, we have pi.
Life is a soup and I’m a fork.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Smart and witty beats fake and pretty.
#WITF
Where is the food?
Irony: the opposite of wrinkly.
Nasty Woman
(noun)
1. a tough, smart female who gets sh*t done.
If you need anything from me, reconsider.
I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
I’d love to stay and chat but I’d be lying.
Jesus loves you.
(Everyone else thinks you suck)
Lazy is a very strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
This is what awesome looks like.
I make wine disappear. What’s your superpower?
If things get better with age then I’m approaching magnificent.
Be your own kind of beautiful.