Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience.
– Mark Twain
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
– Mark Twain
It is easier to stay out than get out.
– Mark Twain
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
– Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Mark Twain
When in doubt, tell the truth.
– Mark Twain
Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
– Mark Twain
God: The most popular scapegoat for our sins.
– Mark Twain
Noise proves nothing, Often a hen who has laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
– Mark Twain
When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn’t want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.
– Mark Twain
Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
– Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi
If I cannot smoke cigars in Heaven, I shall not go.
– Mark Twain
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.
– Mark Twain
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
– Mark Twain
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
– Mark Twain
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain
The Bible has noble poetry in it… And some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.
– Mark Twain
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
– Mark Twain
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
– Mark Twain
It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
– Mark Twain
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
– Mark Twain
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I’ve done it a thousand times.
– Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
– Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
– Mark Twain
I have never let schooling interfere with my education.
– Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
– Mark Twain
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
– Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
– Mark Twain
Be good and you will be lonesome.
– Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
– Mark Twain
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
– Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.
– Mark Twain
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
– Mark Twain
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
– Mark Twain
I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.
– Mark Twain
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
– Mark Twain
Always obey your parents – when they are present.
– Mark Twain
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
– Mark Twain
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
– Mark Twain
Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
– Mark Twain
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
– Mark Twain
Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep ’til noon.
– Mark Twain
If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis- informed.
– Mark Twain
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
– Mark Twain
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
– Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
– Mark Twain
Get a bicycle. You will not regret it. If you live.
– Mark Twain
The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
– Mark Twain
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
– Mark Twain
Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live.
– Mark Twain
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience : this is the ideal life.
– Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it.
– Mark Twain
For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experiment.
– Mark Twain
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
– Mark Twain
Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.
– Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
– Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
– Mark Twain
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
– Mark Twain
Describing her first day back in grade school after a long absence, a teacher said, It was like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at the same time.
– Mark Twain
No man that has ever lived has done a thing to please God primarily. It was done to please himself, then God next.
– Mark Twain
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
– Mark Twain
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
– Mark Twain
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.
– Mark Twain
Classic’ – a book which people praise and don’t read.
– Mark Twain
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
– Mark Twain
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
– Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.
– Mark Twain
When people do no respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
– Mark Twain
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
– Mark Twain
Canadian girls are so pretty it is a relief to see a plain one now and then
– Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
– Mark Twain
The secret to getting ahead is getting started.
– Mark Twain
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
– Mark Twain
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy – give one and take ten.
– Mark Twain
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty- four.
– Mark Twain
If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
– Mark Twain
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot of acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.
– Mark Twain
Better a broken promise than none at all.
– Mark Twain
Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.
– Mark Twain
An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one’s self- respect
– Mark Twain
History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.
– Mark Twain
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
– Mark Twain
Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
– Mark Twain
The Bible is a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology
– Mark Twain
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
– Mark Twain
There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.
– Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
– Mark Twain
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
– Mark Twain
The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.
– Mark Twain
When you cannot get a compliment in any other way pay yourself one.
– Mark Twain
The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example
– Mark Twain
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
– Mark Twain
An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.
– Mark Twain
A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.
– Mark Twain
I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.
– Mark Twain
Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
– Mark Twain
I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes.
– Mark Twain
A nation is only an individual multiplied.
– Mark Twain
India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
– Mark Twain
When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.
– Laurie Halse Anderson
It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
– Mark Twain
There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others.
– Mark Twain
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
– Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain
We are all alike on the inside.
– Mark Twain
Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man has a voice, brutal laws are impossible.
– Mark Twain
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
– Mark Twain
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
– Mark Twain
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.
– Mark Twain
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
– Mark Twain