Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

Submitted by: Inspired on June 5, 2013

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.

You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.

Submitted by: Geraldine on August 15, 2011

So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.

Submitted by: M.M.G on November 16, 2011

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant.
– John Alejandro King

Submitted by: Chris Childs on September 12, 2009
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It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman

That seems more of a your problem, than my problem!

Submitted by: AJ Johnson on January 30, 2013

I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

Submitted by: Glen on August 18, 2012

I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.

Submitted by: Bemard on July 26, 2012

Top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
10.

Submitted by: joseph on November 5, 2011

I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.

Submitted by: Tom on November 21, 2011

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright

The voices in my head were arguing over who would be me today.

Submitted by: Darell Hill on January 11, 2013
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I used to be indecisive but now I’m not too sure.

Submitted by: quulkid on November 26, 2011

A man mixed with a cat will improve the man, but deteriorate the cat.

Submitted by: Casey on February 21, 2008

Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?

Submitted by: rawr on March 5, 2010

I used to get lost in the shuffle, but now I just shuffle along with the lost.

Submitted by: roger garrett on October 22, 2011

Understanding the single-line quote is like comprehending the bulky book with its title only and correctly.
– Anuj Somany

Submitted by: Anuj Somany on April 9, 2013

Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.

Submitted by: D on September 10, 2010

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?
– Albert Einstein

Submitted by: maria on January 16, 2012

I used to think that money was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.

Submitted by: nam on March 1, 2012

I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

Submitted by: Cody on January 25, 2013

I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.

Submitted by: Gary on September 20, 2012
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Nothing but the future lies ahead.

Submitted by: Bud Black on August 11, 2012

Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

Submitted by: Mark Simmons II on September 2, 2011

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

Save the world. Destroy humans.’

Submitted by: christina on October 19, 2012

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