Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.

Submitted by: Erik on December 7, 2011

Politics is the second oldest profession on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.

Submitted by: Ray on August 28, 2011

Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.

Submitted by: H.E.T on August 25, 2011

Why do psychics ask your name?

Submitted by: Juddy on November 26, 2011

What exactly does pedantic mean?

Submitted by: Happy spud on March 8, 2011

Person (angered): Hey, get that thing out of my face!
You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.

Submitted by: UB313 on April 10, 2010

It was raining cats and dogs and there were poodles in the street.

Submitted by: James Hepple on February 22, 2015

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Submitted by: Philip Warph on January 19, 2013

When you’re working in the hive, you have but two choices. To bee, or not to bee.

Submitted by: Paul on January 28, 2011

I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.

Submitted by: tina trotter on August 15, 2012

Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.

Submitted by: Darell Hill on January 11, 2013

The other day at radio shack a manager was giving out dead batteries FREE OF CHARGE.

Submitted by: Ali on April 24, 2011

I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.

Submitted by: Moe on October 19, 2011

My kids seem to only listen to their music and not me; so I tried singing them their chores.

Submitted by: caesar on April 9, 2013

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :) on August 20, 2011

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?

Submitted by: Akerele Oluranti Pourl on July 12, 2012

Cigarrette Warning: Government is dangerous to your health!

Submitted by: Louies on November 5, 2009

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? Nevermind, I’ll look it up tomorrow

Submitted by: chris harder on April 21, 2012

An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.

Submitted by: Phil Sanchez on May 31, 2012

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ on October 31, 2011

I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.

Submitted by: nam on March 1, 2012

I’m not bossy I just know what you should be doing.

Submitted by: hoodyninja on January 16, 2012

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– W. C. Fields

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.
– Joey Adams

Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.

Submitted by: amy o on August 3, 2012

When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”.

Submitted by: Ashley Abrahams on November 22, 2011

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