Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
What exactly does pedantic mean?
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
Why do psychics ask your name?
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
– Steven Wright
I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.
I lost 20 pounds but I’m sure I’ll find them at McDonald’s.
Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.