Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
– Paul Newman
What exactly does pedantic mean?
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
Why do psychics ask your name?
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields
The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.
I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?