Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
What exactly does pedantic mean?
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Why do psychics ask your name?
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
– Steven Wright