Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
What exactly does pedantic mean?
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Why do psychics ask your name?
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
– Steven Wright
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.