Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.
Why do psychics ask your name?
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
An important rule of procrastination: do it today but remember that today will be today again tomorrow.
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields
Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.