Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.
What exactly does pedantic mean?
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.
Why do psychics ask your name?
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.
It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.
My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
- Steven Wright
Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.