Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4

52

When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away and never responds to anything I say.

Submitted by: Marie
7

Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.

Submitted by: Darell Hill
16

What exactly does pedantic mean?

Submitted by: Happy spud
8

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
– Oliver Goldsmith

9

There are two rules in life.
1. Never give out all of the information.

Witty Quote: There are two rules in life. 1....

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21

Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas

Submitted by: Guest1
12

Why do psychics ask your name?

Submitted by: Juddy
38

Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.

Submitted by: bob
27

‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)

Submitted by: Olga
9

I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

11

I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.

Submitted by: Moe
14

The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.

Submitted by: Anika
25

87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Submitted by: Lyle Brewer
6

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright

40

If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

Submitted by: Thomas
22

The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.

Submitted by: Jordan
8

If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.

Submitted by: Erik
8

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.

9

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
– W. C. Fields

15

Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wikipedia is fake.
Person: Really? Were did you hear that?
Me: I read it on Wikipedia.

Submitted by: H.E.T
9

If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.

Submitted by: KJ
45

“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”

Submitted by: maleena
11

My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…

Submitted by: Torii :)
17

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.

Submitted by: Patrick
10

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Submitted by: Philip Warph

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