Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor - Page 4
I once prayed to God for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.
Not being able to sleep at night is a real eye opener.
What exactly does pedantic mean?
‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)
Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.
I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas
If I host a party with style, I’m I really hostile?
If two ants elope, are they antelopes?
If I keep standing outside, I’m I outstanding?
If I did not take a seat for a whole night, I’m I a one- night- stand?
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Quickest way to get on your feet… miss a car payment.
Why do psychics ask your name?
I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.
It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.
My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.
“saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong”
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
The fridge is a perfect example of what’s inside is what matters.
Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.
If I can be of any assistance don’t think twice about asking, actually don’t even think once about it.
If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.
My imaginary friend thinks YOU have problems…