American humorist
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. – Erma Bombeck
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After 22 years of child-raising, they are unemployed. – Erma Bombeck
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. – Erma Bombeck
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television. – Erma Bombeck
A child needs your love the most when he deserves it least. – Erma Bombeck
Families aren’t easy to join. They’re like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. – Erma Bombeck
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren’t two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy’s permission, blessings, and money to survive. – Erma Bombeck
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises. – Erma Bombeck
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. – Erma Bombeck
When humor goes, there goes civilization. – Erma Bombeck
Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere. – Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. – Erma Bombeck
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. – Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. – Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me. – Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart. – Erma Bombeck
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip. – Erma Bombeck
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. – Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. – Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
Laugh now, cry later. – Erma Bombeck
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. – Erma Bombeck
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