I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
– Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.
– Steven Wright
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
– Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
– Steven Wright
Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
– Steven Wright
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
– Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
– Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
– Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
– Steven Wright
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
– Steven Wright
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
– Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
– Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
– Steven Wright
What is the speed of dark?
– Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
– Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
– Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
– Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
– Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
– Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
– Steven Wright