I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. – Steven Wright
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64. – Steven Wright
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes. – Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? – Steven Wright
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. – Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. – Steven Wright
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. – Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. – Steven Wright
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
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