Quotes by Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
– Steven Wright

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
– Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
– Steven Wright

Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.
– Steven Wright

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
– Steven Wright

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
– Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
– Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.
– Steven Wright

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
– Steven Wright

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
– Steven Wright

What is the speed of dark?
– Steven Wright

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
– Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
– Steven Wright

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
– Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
– Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
– Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

– Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
– Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
– Steven Wright

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