American director, writer, actor, and comedian
Eighty percent of success is showing up. – Woody Allen
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast. – Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. – Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. – Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good. – Woody Allen
I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. – Woody Allen
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. – Woody Allen
To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition. – Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. – Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. – Woody Allen
As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back. – Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. – Woody Allen
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. – Woody Allen
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