Woody Allen Quotes

American director, writer, actor, and comedian

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The chief problem about death … is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought.
– Woody Allen

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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
– Woody Allen

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She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
– Woody Allen

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Eighty percent of success is naps.
– Woody Allen

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I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
– Woody Allen

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
– Woody Allen

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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen

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Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
– Woody Allen

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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
– Woody Allen

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I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
– Woody Allen

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To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
– Woody Allen

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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
– Woody Allen

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The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen

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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen

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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen

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As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
– Woody Allen

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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
– Woody Allen

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
– Woody Allen

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When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen

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I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
– Woody Allen

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In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen

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I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen

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I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

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