Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

If a marriage is supposed to be 50-50, why isn’t it okay for the husband to raise the commode seat and the wife to lower it?

After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.
Navjot Sidhu

Life’s a b*tch then you marry an even bigger one.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm last night. Not concentrating, I leaned over and passed her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.

Wife: A woman who marries a man for what he is then, tries to change him into what/how she wants him to be!

When husband does something crazy > wife gets angry > husband apologizes.

When wife does something crazy > husband gets angry > wife gets angrier > husband apologizes.

My wife says I never listen to her. (Or something like that)

The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
Oscar Wilde

Wife : What is the difference between complete and Finish?
Kapil : If you marry the right girl your life gets COMPLETE. and if you marry the wrong girl your life gets FINISHED

Kapil : Wife is cute when she is mute
Wife : Husband is honey when gives money

Man : A snake is biting your wife. Do something.
Kapil : It ain’t biting. Its that the snakes venom has come to an end and not it is getting it recharged from my wife.

Kapil : If anything happens to me during operation, You get married to the doctor.
Wife: Why?
Kapil : It’s the only way to take a good revenge.

Kapil : How is your wife?
Shahrukh : An angel from heaven. And yours?
Kapil : Still Alive.

Salman Khan (Famous Bollywood actor unmarried even after 50) : Kapil when will I get married?
Kapil : Never, It is just happiness written in your fate.

As an observer of his marriage, I knew the price he’d pay for indulging his wife’s insanity. As a participant, he knew the price he’d pay if he didn’t.
Alan Robert Neal

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
Erma Bombeck

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?
Garrison Keillor

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
Helen Rowland

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland

Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising
Edgar Watson Howe

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

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