Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!
– Bill Maher
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
– Henny Youngman
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
My hubby may wear the pants in our family but I control the zipper!
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me. :)
Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
African proverb: He who marries a beautiful wife and he who plants corn by the roadside all have the same problem; insecurity.
A marriage license is a license which allows a woman to drive a man!
WHEN YOU SAY “I DO” , “YOU’RE DONE”!
A wife’s view point! “What’s “hers is hers”! And “What’s yours is hers also”!
Remember! If she ain’t happy, you ain’t happy either!
When I said, “I DO”! She said, “OH NO YOU DON’T”!
If my wife ran the world ,there wouldn’t be any wars… But there wouldn’t be any peace either!
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life… Wives want both!
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!
Funniest contradicting phrases:
1.Clearly misunderstood
2.Exact estimate
3.Small crowd
4.Act naturally
5.Found missing
6.Fully empty
7.Happily married
Marriage is just fancy word to adopt an over grown male child who is no more handled by his parents.
When I married Ms Right, I didn’t know her first name was “Always” !
The only time my wife is listening to me is when I’m saying do you want some money.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A man marries a woman hoping she would never change, a woman marries a man thinking that she can change him.
The only moment that my wife listens to me is when I’m talking in my sleep.
Marriage is a workshop…where husband works & wife shops.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornadoes and hail.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.
Make love and not war
Or, find someone, marry them
And you can do both!
Height of misunderstanding – A man marrying his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before.
Behind every successful wife, stands a surprised mother in law.
Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!
Wife is cute when she is mute.
Husband is honey when he gives money.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood
A husband’s last words should always be “OK, buy it”.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
– Albert Einstein
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?
– Barbra Streisand
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen
Always remember: she’s right, you’re wrong, and you’re sorry.
There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called…..the husband.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner
My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick.
Marriage is far more complicated than quantum physics.
Marriage is like a poker game. You start out with a pair. She shows a heart. He flashes a diamond. She gets a flush. And he ends up with a full house and a big pot!!
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
– Evelyn Hendrickson
Think your wife doesn’t listen to a word you say? Try talking in your sleep!
Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot?
Father: I don’t know son, still paying…
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
– E. Joseph Cossman
It seems like I was only married yesterday……..If it was tomorrow I would cancel it.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
– François de La Rochefoucauld
Two men were talking and one said for their 10th anniversary he took his wife to Hawaii. Said for their 20th he might go back and get her.
I thought I was stupid until I got married, my stupidity was confirmed.
My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Here’s a toast to our wives and girlfriends … May they never meet!! ? ?
Man: I wear the pants in the relationship.
Woman: I’m the belt that holds the pants up!
Marriage is worse than prison. There is no parole for good behavior.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
– Henry Louis Mencken
Once upon, there was this man who asked a woman “Will you marry me?”
The woman said “NO!”
Then the man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and did whenever he wanted.
“THE END” (…true story)
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
– Joey Adams
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
– Groucho Marx
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Before marriage, each looks at the other through rose- colored glasses. After marriage, they see each other with magnifying glasses!
Man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
– Max Kauffmann
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I don’t like the terms “housewife” and “homemaker” I’m prepared to be called “Domestic Goddess”.. It’s more descriptive.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
– Groucho Marx
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
– Chris Rock
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half- shut afterwards.
– Benjamin Franklin
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
– Elbert Hubbard
You have two options in a marriage. You can either be happy or you can be right.
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
– Sacha Guitry
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
Why all married men go to heaven?
Because they cannot be in hell twice.
Married life is so easy. It’s just like a walk in the park.
BUT the problem is:
.
..
…
that the park is Jurassic!
Love is like a dream, but marriage is like an alarm clock!!!!!
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
– Patrick Murray
Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.
When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
– Natalie Wood
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
– Robert Frost
I haven’t spoken to my wife for many years. I love her so much that I don’t like to interrupt her.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Chinese proverb: Marriage is like a besieged fortress: those on the outside want in, and those on the inside want out.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Marriage is the longest COLD WAR ever fought.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
– Groucho Marx
Marriages are made in heaven but they make hell on earth.
Marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
Marriage is like birds in a cage, those who are inside are struggling to get out and those who are outside are struggling to get in.
If a marriage is supposed to be 50-50, why isn’t it okay for the husband to raise the commode seat and the wife to lower it?
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
– Henry Youngman
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
– Sam Kinison
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.
– Beverly Nichols
Bride, n. – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
– Ambrose Bierce
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
– G. K. Chesterton
The decision to stay unmarried is the beginning of wisdom.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
– Bill Cosby
Marriage is a union of give and take. He gives, She takes.
Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.
100% of divorces start in marriage.
You have got to get married you just can’t go through life enjoying yourself.
A woman before marriage is your very best friend, after marriage she’s just a plain old’ dog.
A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Ogden Nash
Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
An idea can change your life. A wife can change your idea.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
– Minnie Pearl
For happy married life men must remember: when you are wrong confess immediately, when right keep mum.
When husband does something crazy > wife gets angry > husband apologizes.
When wife does something crazy > husband gets angry > wife gets angrier > husband apologizes.
I married Miss Right. Didn’t know her first name was Always.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
– Billy Connolly
Your child is as you raise him. And your husband as you train him.
A happy marriage is a balancing act between “Rocking” & “On the rocks”.
Marriage is like a jacuzzi, it’s hot until you get used to it.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.
– Gene Perret
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
Wife : What is the difference between complete and Finish?
Kapil : If you marry the right girl your life gets COMPLETE. and if you marry the wrong girl your life gets FINISHED
Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get in it, it ain’t so hot.
The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
– Oscar Wilde
I now truly believe “happily married” is an oxymoron.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
– Helen Rowland
Every time I find Mr. Right my husband scares him off.
The definition of True Love: Temporary insanity curable by marriage.
My wife swept me off my feet when we first met now all she does is tell me to lift my feet so she can sweep!
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller
Marriage is an institution in which those who are out want to get in and those who are in want to get out.
Marriage turns night owls into homing pigeons.
9 out of 10 men are cheating on their wife, and there is one more who is still hesitating.
Marriage: I think my wife fell in love with annoying me.
Isn’t it weird that before you have children, people warn you that they can be expensive and sometimes difficult? Why didn’t I ever get warned about marriage?
Marriage means commitment, so does insanity…
The four most important words in marriage are: “I’ll do the dishes”.
Pierre & Marysa
Man + married + divorced + married again = stupid to the 3rd power
Marriage is a sentence… A life sentence.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
– Helen Rowland
When a man goes down on his knees to ask a women to marry him, and she says yes, he remains on his knees forever.
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck
Today I celebrate 14 years of married life. I can’t remember breaking two mirrors.
They say marriage is life, they also say life ain’t fair.
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield
The secret to a good marriage is… Divorce!!
Wife: A woman who marries a man for what he is then, tries to change him into what/how she wants him to be!
“I won’t have another drink my wife said if I am not home by 9 -45, my life is not worth living”.
His friend said “what are you a man or a mouse”.
He said “I am a man if I was a mouse the wife would be frightened of me”.
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is, above all else, the leading cause of divorce.
If marriages are made in heaven…
Then it’s obvious that someone up there doesn’t like us.
A friend of mine once asked his wife, where she wanted to go for their anniversary. His wife said “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”..So… He took her to the kitchen.
Marriage rocks! as in a rocky mountain…
Why dogs don’t get married? Because they are already leading a dog’s life.
If he’s getting married, he’s not longer interesting.
– Colette
Women marry for prosperity, development and security whereas men marry for enjoyment, destruction and insecurity.
I would be married, but I’d have no wife, I would be married to a single life.
– Charles Bukowski
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife says I never listen to her. (Or something like that)
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.
– Helen Rowland
After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.
– Navjot Sidhu
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Wife: Worries Invited For Ever
Falling in love is a beautiful experience; Marriage is hitting the rock bottom reality.
Marriage is the most attractive jail “Cell” in which you choose to turn yourself in.
Are you a man or a mouse? I’m a man if I was a mouse the wife would be frightened of me.
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
– Rodney Dangerfield
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
Another word for a court judge saying “you are sentenced to life imprisonment with hard labor” is marriage.
Kapil : How is your wife?
Shahrukh : An angel from heaven. And yours?
Kapil : Still Alive.
I found another word for slave… Groom
Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising
– Edgar Watson Howe
Man : A snake is biting your wife. Do something.
Kapil : It ain’t biting. Its that the snakes venom has come to an end and not it is getting it recharged from my wife.
Kapil : If anything happens to me during operation, You get married to the doctor.
Wife: Why?
Kapil : It’s the only way to take a good revenge.
I never knew I had so many vices till I got married.
Marriage is a place where two people have to live together for the rest of their lives…or at least until they get divorced!
A sense of humor is great – it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
– Chris Rock
Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.
– Mae West
Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?
– Garrison Keillor
Life’s a b*tch then you marry an even bigger one.
Mom: When I married you’re father I had to put all my dreams on wait.
Daughter: Really what was you’re dream.
Mom: To be single and childless.
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm last night. Not concentrating, I leaned over and passed her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.
As an observer of his marriage, I knew the price he’d pay for indulging his wife’s insanity. As a participant, he knew the price he’d pay if he didn’t.
– Alan Robert Neal