Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

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Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!!

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
– Henny Youngman

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You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!
– Bill Maher

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Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.

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My hubby may wear the pants in our family but I control the zipper!

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My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me. :)

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Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

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Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life… Wives want both!

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When I married Ms Right, I didn’t know her first name was “Always” !

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A marriage license is a license which allows a woman to drive a man!
WHEN YOU SAY “I DO” , “YOU’RE DONE”!
A wife’s view point! “What’s “hers is hers”! And “What’s yours is hers also”!
Remember! If she ain’t happy, you ain’t happy either!
When I said, “I DO”! She said, “OH NO YOU DON’T”!
If my wife ran the world ,there wouldn’t be any wars… But there wouldn’t be any peace either!

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Marriage is just fancy word to adopt an over grown male child who is no more handled by his parents.

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In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!

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Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened.

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The only time my wife is listening to me is when I’m saying do you want some money.

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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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The only moment that my wife listens to me is when I’m talking in my sleep.

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Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.

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African proverb: He who marries a beautiful wife and he who plants corn by the roadside all have the same problem; insecurity.

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Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Behind every successful wife, stands a surprised mother in law.

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Make love and not war
Or, find someone, marry them
And you can do both!

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Funniest contradicting phrases:
1.Clearly misunderstood
2.Exact estimate
3.Small crowd
4.Act naturally
5.Found missing
6.Fully empty
7.Happily married

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Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!

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A man marries a woman hoping she would never change, a woman marries a man thinking that she can change him.

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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.

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Marriage is a workshop…where husband works & wife shops.

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Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
– Clint Eastwood

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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
– Albert Einstein

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Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

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I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner

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Always remember: she’s right, you’re wrong, and you’re sorry.

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Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornadoes and hail.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner

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The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.

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My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick.

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Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot?
Father: I don’t know son, still paying…

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My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

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It seems like I was only married yesterday……..If it was tomorrow I would cancel it.

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Two men were talking and one said for their 10th anniversary he took his wife to Hawaii. Said for their 20th he might go back and get her.

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Height of misunderstanding – A man marrying his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before.

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My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

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Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
– Evelyn Hendrickson

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Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?
– Barbra Streisand

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My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!

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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
– Groucho Marx

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Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
– Joey Adams

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I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

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I thought I was stupid until I got married, my stupidity was confirmed.

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There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called…..the husband.

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