If a marriage is supposed to be 50-50, why isn’t it okay for the husband to raise the commode seat and the wife to lower it?
After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.
– Navjot Sidhu
Life’s a b*tch then you marry an even bigger one.
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm last night. Not concentrating, I leaned over and passed her the super glue instead. She’s still not speaking to me.
Wife: A woman who marries a man for what he is then, tries to change him into what/how she wants him to be!
When husband does something crazy > wife gets angry > husband apologizes.
When wife does something crazy > husband gets angry > wife gets angrier > husband apologizes.
My wife says I never listen to her. (Or something like that)
The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
– Oscar Wilde
Wife : What is the difference between complete and Finish?
Kapil : If you marry the right girl your life gets COMPLETE. and if you marry the wrong girl your life gets FINISHED
Kapil : Wife is cute when she is mute
Wife : Husband is honey when gives money
Man : A snake is biting your wife. Do something.
Kapil : It ain’t biting. Its that the snakes venom has come to an end and not it is getting it recharged from my wife.
Kapil : If anything happens to me during operation, You get married to the doctor.
Wife: Why?
Kapil : It’s the only way to take a good revenge.
Kapil : How is your wife?
Shahrukh : An angel from heaven. And yours?
Kapil : Still Alive.
Salman Khan (Famous Bollywood actor unmarried even after 50) : Kapil when will I get married?
Kapil : Never, It is just happiness written in your fate.
As an observer of his marriage, I knew the price he’d pay for indulging his wife’s insanity. As a participant, he knew the price he’d pay if he didn’t.
– Alan Robert Neal
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck
Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?
– Garrison Keillor
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
– Helen Rowland
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
– Helen Rowland
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.
– Helen Rowland
Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising
– Edgar Watson Howe
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
– Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
– Rodney Dangerfield
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
– Rodney Dangerfield
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
– Rodney Dangerfield