Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Witty Quote: Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected...

Submitted by: Dylan on January 29, 2008
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I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Witty Quote: I don’t have an attitude problem, you...

Submitted by: Sneaky on February 7, 2008
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Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

Witty Quote: Man is the only living being who...

Submitted by: Sujit on January 6, 2011
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Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Sincerely, the opportunist.

Witty Quote: Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you...

Submitted by: Mark Cromo on March 27, 2013
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There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened?”.

Witty Quote: There are three kinds of people in...

Submitted by: smiley35 on August 23, 2009
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Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

Witty Quote: Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously...

Submitted by: jenny: on January 28, 2008
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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Witty Quote: Evening news is where they begin with...

Submitted by: Shorty on September 27, 2009
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If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Witty Quote: If the grass is greener on the...

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009
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I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

Witty Quote: I live in my own world but...

Submitted by: Susanne on August 6, 2009
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Witty Quote: For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never...

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009
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129% of people exaggerate.

Witty Quote: 129% of people exaggerate.

Submitted by: Jenny A. on May 5, 2010
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“As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do.”

Witty Quote: “As I grow older, I pay less...

Submitted by: Bertha on July 31, 2008
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You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
– Albert Einstein

Witty Quote: You do not really understand something unless...

Submitted by: Jake on June 21, 2010
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Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.

Witty Quote: Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking...

Submitted by: Nicole on December 30, 2009
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A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

Witty Quote: A lie will make it around the...

Submitted by: Debra Ramey on April 12, 2010
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Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Witty Quote: Being British is about driving a German...

Submitted by: sofie on January 18, 2011
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If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.

Witty Quote: If at first you don’t succeed, …then...

Submitted by: tex on September 15, 2009
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You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever!

Witty Quote: You’re only young once, but you can...

Submitted by: Torie on January 30, 2010
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For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Witty Quote: For every action there is an equal...

Submitted by: crazygenius on August 18, 2008
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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Witty Quote: Always and never are two words you...

Submitted by: Shorty on September 27, 2009
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There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

Witty Quote: There is nothing more annoying than two...

Submitted by: Rebecca on April 1, 2011
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The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine.
– Abraham Lincoln

Witty Quote: The problem with stealing quotes off the...

Submitted by: Tool.Tech on July 13, 2012
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If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

Witty Quote: If I’m driving you crazy just remember...

Submitted by: Thomas on August 14, 2013
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Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

Witty Quote: Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

Submitted by: Doreen Deramo on August 4, 2009
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3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

Witty Quote: 3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope,...

Submitted by: angiela on April 11, 2011
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Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

Witty Quote: Having voices in your head is normal....

Submitted by: Adellaide on January 15, 2011
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There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.

Witty Quote: There are three kinds of people in...

Submitted by: Willis Wilson on July 6, 2010
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Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

Witty Quote: Just when you thought the entire world...

Submitted by: JPoet on September 22, 2009
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You can’t spell families, without “lies”.

Witty Quote: You can’t spell families, without “lies”.

Submitted by: Dawn U loverly on November 30, 2010
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When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing :)

Witty Quote: When you are at the end of...

Submitted by: Billie Jean on September 20, 2010
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