Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? – Steven Wright
A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield
It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. – Paul Newman
When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”.
Whoever put the word fun in funeral? – Anthony Liccione
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
You only need a parachute if you’re skydiving twice.
Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs. – Joey Adams
So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.
A lot of people get a monkey off their back in order to make room for an elephant. – John Alejandro King
That seems more of a your problem, than my problem!
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy? – Albert Einstein
Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?
I used to be indecisive but now I’m not too sure.
I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. – Douglas Adams
The voices in my head were arguing over who would be me today.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. – W. C. Fields
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