Witty Quotes, Sayings with verbal humor

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else.

It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.

My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.
– Harry S Truman

Raisins that look like chocolate chips is the reason why I have trust issues.

Submitted by: Emily on February 9, 2012

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright


We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Submitted by: Rose on September 5, 2011

Save a tree, eat a beaver…

Submitted by: tom on October 27, 2007

You can’t be late until you show up.

Must Do: Make a to- do list

Submitted by: D on September 10, 2010

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Submitted by: kanurelly on May 8, 2011

Newtons Law of Romance:
Love can neither be created nor be destroyed,
It can only be changed from one girl friend to another.

Submitted by: ice cream on September 15, 2009

87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Submitted by: Lyle Brewer on October 8, 2010

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Submitted by: dev on July 25, 2010

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

Submitted by: joshua michael levinson on August 6, 2013

I may never get out of this world alive but I’ll die trying.

Submitted by: Ross Fowler on September 6, 2011

‘Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro King (from The Covert Comic)

Submitted by: Olga on October 17, 2009

Suicide is the most sincere form of self- criticism.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein

Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon.
By General Arthur MacDouglas

Submitted by: Guest1 on January 11, 2011

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

Submitted by: KEVIN on October 9, 2011

In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
– cory taylor

Submitted by: Seth on February 24, 2008

The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.

Submitted by: Jordan on January 30, 2010

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
Honoré de Balzac

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their face.

Submitted by: Amber on January 27, 2012

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.

Submitted by: Patrick on April 5, 2013

You never learn anything by doing it right.

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