Sarcastic Quotes, Sarcasm Sayings | Sarcastic Comments

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
– Steven Wright

3

I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.

16

Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

22

People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!

7

Silence is golden.
Duct tape is silver.

1

I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

0

Violence won’t solve anything…But it sure makes me feel good.

1

I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

0

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

1

That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

0

Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.

6

Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.

4

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

0

If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.

0

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

6

Police pulls over a speeding car;
COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day.
DRIVER: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.

1

I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.
“Don’t make me hit you again!”
“You’re going to hit me again? No, don’t do that! I might not survive!”
Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
“I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”

0

I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

3

Oh… I didn’t tell you… Then it must be none of your business.

0

You’d be in good shape…if you ran as much as your mouth.

2

I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane…

0

I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.

6

Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.

0

Sure I’ll help you out…the same way you came in.

0

Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.
Student: Are you playing too?

0

Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!

0

You go girl! And don’t come back.

0

If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

0

You: “Why are you here?”
Me: “Well… Heaven didn’t want me,
And hell is afraid I’ll take over.”

0

You sound better with your mouth closed.

0

My friends are so much cooler than yours.
They’re invisible.

0

I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.

0

You: I’m going to be a comedian one day!
Me: *Bursts into fits of giggles*
You: Whats so funny?
Me: *gasps* oh! you were being serious, i’m sorry.

0

If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.

0

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

0

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

1

You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.

0

Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone… I realized I can do so much without you.

0

Person 1: ” You did not just do that!!”
Person 2: “no? watch I’ll do it again!!”

1

>Attempting to give a damn…
>Unable to give a damn…
>Stopping…
>Process failed!
[Damn not given]

1

Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty…

2

You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!

0

Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.

1

I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.

0

You: Do you want a piece of my mind?!
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.

0

Question: Do you know who I am????
Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?

0

I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid… Then I met you.

0

You: OMG did you just fall.?
Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!

0

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

0

When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.

0

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