Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
I don’t believe in plastic surgery, But in your case, Go ahead.
Tell me… Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Violence won’t solve anything…But it sure makes me feel good.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
Police pulls over a speeding car; COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day. DRIVER: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.
I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed. “Don’t make me hit you again!” “You’re going to hit me again? No, don’t do that! I might not survive!” Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today? I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. “I’d insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn’t understand and if I tried to explain it to you, your brain might implode from information overload.”
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
Oh… I didn’t tell you… Then it must be none of your business.
You’d be in good shape…if you ran as much as your mouth.
I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane…
I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.
Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
Sure I’ll help you out…the same way you came in.
Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game. Student: Are you playing too?
Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!
You go girl! And don’t come back.
If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
You: “Why are you here?” Me: “Well… Heaven didn’t want me, And hell is afraid I’ll take over.”
You sound better with your mouth closed.
My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
I’m smiling…that alone should scare you.
You: I’m going to be a comedian one day! Me: *Bursts into fits of giggles* You: Whats so funny? Me: *gasps* oh! you were being serious, i’m sorry.
If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.
Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone… I realized I can do so much without you.
Person 1: ” You did not just do that!!” Person 2: “no? watch I’ll do it again!!”
>Attempting to give a damn… >Unable to give a damn… >Stopping… >Process failed! [Damn not given]
Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty…
You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!
Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.
I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
You: Do you want a piece of my mind?! Me: Oh no, I couldn’t take the last piece.
Question: Do you know who I am???? Answer: No, Why? Have you forgotten?
I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid… Then I met you.
You: OMG did you just fall.? Me: No the ground just came up and smacked me in my face.!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
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