Quotes by George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
- George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- George Carlin

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

Don’t let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life.
– George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
― George Carlin