Quotes by George Carlin

13

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin

5

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
– George Carlin

7

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
– George Carlin

15

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
– George Carlin

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39

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin

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6

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin

4

Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
– George Carlin

10

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– George Carlin

2

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
– George Carlin

14

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
– George Carlin

3

Atheism is a non- prophet organization.
– George Carlin

10

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
– George Carlin

0

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
– George Carlin

16

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
– George Carlin

5

Governments don’t want well informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. That is against their interests.

They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept it.
– George Carlin

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5

I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.
– George Carlin

0

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
– George Carlin

0

Don’t let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life.
– George Carlin

4

Don’t just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
– George Carlin

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0

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
– George Carlin

0

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
– George Carlin

1

I have certain rules I live by…My first rule, I don’t believe anything the government tells me.
– George Carlin

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13

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
– George Carlin

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1

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
– George Carlin

7

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
– George Carlin

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