Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
– George Carlin
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women: Scientifically proven to be right even when they’re wrong.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
– Henny Youngman
If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… Just couple of nations not talking with each other.
You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and out the other.
Tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and comes out through the mouth..
Women are like telephones they like to be held and talked to but if you push the wrong buttons you could be disconnected :]
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.
God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advise from Eve how to make Adam.
A woman has only 2 problems. 1. Nothing to wear. 2. No room for all the clothes.
Women Are Like Hurricanes… When They Come, They’re Loud… When They’re Gone, So Is The House, The Dog And The Car.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I am the boss in this house my wife told me so.
Women are a strange breed.
They paint their lips;
Show off their inner-wear;
Flaunt their bodies;
Wear butt-hugging jeans;
And then they expect men to notice their emotions!
One day, a long long time ago, there was a woman who didn’t complain, criticize, or nag…but like I said, it was a long long time ago and just for a day!
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
– George Carlin
When it comes to men, women are like monkeys, they won’t let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another!
When a women says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Fake hair, fake nails, fake eye lash, artificial face and sometimes fake behavior, yet a woman will say she needs a real man.
No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Of course women don’t look as busy as men. We do it right the first time!!!
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus; ex’s are from Uranus.
Men will spend 2 dollars on a 1 dollar item that they desperately need. Women will spend 1 dollar on a 2 dollar item that they don’t need at all.
The best way to make a woman listen to you, direct your talk to another woman.
What would be men without women?
Rich
Only a woman can make a man feel wrong, when he does good.
Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.
– Suze Orman
Women are like cars, the better it looks the higher it costs.
There are two ways to rule a women and no body knows them..
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.
Whats the difference between a battery and a woman?
Batteries have a positive side.
Why shouldn’t woman have a drivers license?
Because there is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
If a woman tells you that she is single by choice, its probably because no one has chosen her.
When a woman says “do whatever you want” do NOT do whatever you want.
Fastest ways of communication, telephone, television, tell-a-woman.
If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.
The male body has seven trillion nerves and only a woman knows “How to get on every single one of them?”
A women may be misinformed, mislead, unclear, misguided, and even downright stupid..but she is never ever wrong.
Women are like banks, they take every cent you got and give you very little Interest..
Women speak two languages. One of which is verbal.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
Who said that behind every successful man there is a woman … It’s wrong … The truth is that women fall only for successful men.
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.
– Bill Cosby
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they’re placed around your throat she’s probably slightly upset.
Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
I don’t need an encyclopedia, my wife knows everything.
99% of all women are beautiful. The remaining 1% is in my office.
I am the boss in my house (my wife said so) and I wear the pants in the family (my wife tells me which ones to wear). And that’s final (per my wife).
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
– Chris Rock
When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?
– Dame Edith Evans
Women are like volcanoes. Both stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and killing everything. Then, there’s calm again.
Women are like bank accounts. No money, no interest.
A man is always ready to go, it’s a women that says whether yes or no!
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
– Chris Rock
For all men who say ‘A woman’s place is in the kitchen’ remember that’s where the knives are kept.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
A woman who doesn’t change her mind doesn’t have one.
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.
– Oscar Wilde
Happiness is not the only thing in the world. Which is exactly why every girl should fall in love with a man.
A man may be right or wrong…but a woman is always right
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
– Tim Allen
It doesn’t matter how attractive someone is when you marry, even a white cat is black in the dark.
Someday they’re going to call me “M’am” without adding “You’re making a scene”.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women… Neither one works.
Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
– Sean Williamson
I think the inventor of the mirror is a man who was tired of always being asked how do I look by his wife.
Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?
– Sigmund Freud
I’ll never understand why once a month, women go completely crazy for 30 days.
What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
– Jerry Seinfeld
The best way to always get the last word in any argument with your wife or girlfriend?
“Yes Dear…”
Women are a language men will never understand.
Getting in an argument with a woman is like being arrested, because anything you say can and will be used against you.
To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
– Rudolph Valentino
Women are like cars, we enjoy them when they are new because they don’t give problems, when they get old they give problems and we want to sell them.
Girls are like smart phones when we finally figure them out they upgrade to a smarter version.
What do women and tornadoes have in common? They both moan when they come and they take the house when they leave.
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.
A smart statement written outside a women’s shoe shop: 75% Discount if you select in 5 minutes. :)
Men socialize by insulting one another, but they don’t really mean it. Women socialize by complimenting one another… But they don’t really mean it, either.
I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
– Gilda Radner
Women: The only creatures who can make a simple task like getting ready take longer than a NASA launch countdown.
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
– Mae West
The best years of a woman’s life – the ten years between 39 and 40.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
– Phyllis Diller
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
– Rita Rudner
Only two things can change a woman’s mind:
1. I love you.
2. 50 percent discount.
Men are nasty to each other and don’t mean it,
Women are nice to each other and don’t mean it!
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
– Edgar Watson Howe
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
– Joan Rivers
Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no- one likes to have to keep one.
– W. C. Fields
I never argue now with a woman, I just take my beating like a man.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
– Groucho Marx
I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.
– Louis C.K.
I desperately want to go camping this summer. Preferably in a hotel. With a pool and a SPA.
– Some Woman
Avoid girls save fuel
What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
– Lord Byron
Unlike women, the older the wine the sweeter it becomes.
The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.
– Freya Stark
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
– Oscar Wilde
There are three ways to spread news: telegram, television, and tellawoman.
Two most deadly weapons in the world: Women’s nagging and Women’s tears! Can make any man act like a tortoise, right into the shell. Don’t believe me, try it…he he he:P
There is no doubt that all women are crazy. It’s just a matter of degree.
When a woman has nothing left to argue, she will either ignore you, cry or remember that thing until she takes revenge on that.
Why do only 60% of women go to heaven…because if they all went it would be hell.
All girls can be intelligent..you just gotta act stupid in front of them.
Men are from mars, women are from “Do I look fat in these?”.
You know a women is about to say something smart when she starts her sentence with “A man once told me”…
Communication through females is still much faster than emails!
If you want to know a girl…praise her friends.
From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
– Raymond Chandler
Going through the Alligator Alley and looking at these gators reminds me of my Ex. All mouths and no ears.
Never underestimate the power of nagging.
Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty- eight and forty.
– James Thurber
If Women were Cars, then the men would save more fuel…nobody wants a car that decides where to go, when to go and for how long.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
– Chris Rock
A wise man once said “I don’t know, ask a girl.”
I never knew what hard work was until I tried to please a woman.
Synonym of women must be mysterious.. Cos know one has ever been able to understand them…
A woman look ten times more beautiful when she is sleeping, but only to her husband.:P
Q: How to turn a fox into and elephant?
A: Marry her.
Women are an alien race set down among us.
Don’t judge a women from 100 feet away.
Ladies, why you ask if a dress makes you look fat? Why you no see your fat makes you look fat?
The fastest-growing communication is tell-a-woman.
Where would men be without women? Back in the garden of Eden.
“Women” – they have a way of complicating things.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
– Phyllis Diller
I’m a woman.. I’m smart. I never loose an argument. I can cook. I like to read fashion magazines. I love to be right. Men don’t understand us. We must have secret powers, because I don’t understand us, either.
If a tree was suppose to give a money rather than a fruit I bet every girl will marry a monkey!!!
Why did god create men first?
He didn’t want to be coached on how to make him.
Women are suitable to be journalists, they never spend a minute quiet.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
– Robin Williams
No one can argue any longer about the rights of women. It’s like arguing about earthquakes.
– Lillian Hellman
Q: What’s the difference between the abominable snowman & an intelligent woman?
A: There have been a few reported sightings of the snowman.
If for some reason I doubt that I’m wrong, all I need to do is ask a woman for verification.
Women: Believe in ‘less is more’ until it comes to their shoe collection.
Halloween is for dressing as something you’re not. That’s why most girls go as sexy.
The bravest thing that a man does is to bear a women in his life.
The two faces of a coin decides a woman’s mind. Head, they go for money. Tail, they go for money…
I don’t get why girls go to college, you don’t need a degree to make a sandwich.
You remember a chick fight a lot longer than you remember a guy fight.
I don’t condone wife beating, but I understand it!
Women are cute…until you marry them!!
How to find a wife…
Step 1 of 2: Find a woman you like now but you know you’re going to hate in 5 or less years.
Step 2 of 2: Give her your house.
Women are like an email in your inbox, you cannot wait to open it, and when you open it, then you realize its a virus.
If you see a nice man with great personality, good dressings, nice and high morals and character. What you call him?
Yes, a gentle man!
Have you ever meet a gentle woman???
A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.
There was a time when girls use to be intelligent, it was before the formation of universe.
Is the reason we have so few female politicians that it would take too long to put make up on their two faces.
Scientists have discovered, how to use females tongues to produce electricity! Wow, silence and electricity both obtained simultaneously!
Women have never been on the moon because it doesn’t need to be cleaned.
So I was up all night trying to make a website for women drivers, but it kept on crashing.
Just called the police on my girlfriend. She hasn’t committed a crime, I just want them to come and remind her she has the right to remain silent.