30+ George Carlin Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time, he was dubbed “the dean of counterculture comedians”.

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
– George Carlin

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
– George Carlin

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
– George Carlin

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That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
– George Carlin

I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.
– George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.
– George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
– George Carlin

Don’t let self-doubt interfere with plans to improve your life.
– George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
– George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
– George Carlin

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Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
– George Carlin

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
– George Carlin

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Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man … Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
– George Carlin

Governments don’t want well informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. That is against their interests.

They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept it.
– George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
– George Carlin

105

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
– George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
– George Carlin

I have certain rules I live by…My first rule, I don’t believe anything the government tells me.
– George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
– George Carlin

Atheism is a non- prophet organization.
– George Carlin

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