Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Always remember: she’s right, you’re wrong, and you’re sorry.

Submitted by: Jamie K. on January 5, 2013

Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornadoes and hail.

Submitted by: supriya on June 1, 2010

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
– Lana Turner

The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.

Submitted by: ratnadeep on February 14, 2009

Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot?
Father: I don’t know son, still paying…

Submitted by: Maximillian on August 15, 2011

It seems like I was only married yesterday……..If it was tomorrow I would cancel it.

Submitted by: Darkside on September 6, 2010
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Two men were talking and one said for their 10th anniversary he took his wife to Hawaii. Said for their 20th he might go back and get her.

Submitted by: kygman on January 30, 2011

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

Submitted by: Siddharth Manchanda on January 14, 2011

My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!

Submitted by: Rhonda on June 25, 2013

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?
– Barbra Streisand

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
– Joey Adams

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

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Remember- you can either be happy or RIGHT.

Submitted by: casey on July 27, 2009

I thought I was stupid until I got married, my stupidity was confirmed.

Submitted by: Toks on November 24, 2011

My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick.

Submitted by: Danielle on August 5, 2011

Before marriage, each looks at the other through rose- colored glasses. After marriage, they see each other with magnifying glasses!

Submitted by: Bob Bedford on November 28, 2010

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
– James Holt McGavran

You have two options in a marriage. You can either be happy or you can be right.

Submitted by: Brandon B on June 25, 2013

Height of misunderstanding – A man marrying his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before.

Submitted by: prashant on September 23, 2011

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
Chris Rock

When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.

Submitted by: Jet set on June 30, 2013
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
– E. Joseph Cossman

I don’t like the terms “housewife” and “homemaker” I’m prepared to be called “Domestic Goddess”.. It’s more descriptive.

Submitted by: shalala on May 28, 2011

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is like a poker game. You start out with a pair. She shows a heart. He flashes a diamond. She gets a flush. And he ends up with a full house and a big pot!!

Submitted by: Ken Murray on May 6, 2013

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