I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I’m not fat your just too skinny.
Ever stopped to think and forgot to start again?
Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.
Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet. – Gene Perret
There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.” I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough.
The trick to entertaining idiots is to give them a piece of paper that says flip this on both sides.
If you think you are too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.
Are you one of those people who ‘pull’ the door when it says ‘push’?
First grader: Teacher! I need to pee! Teacher: Johnny, raise your hand first. Johnny: Does that help?
One thing wrong with common sense, it’s not very common anymore.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.
Whenever I fail as a father or husband… a toy and a diamond always works. – Shah Rukh Khan
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright
Employee; Can I have a few days off? Boss: Why? Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns. Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.
Everything comes out right in the end, and if it doesn’t, go left!
Vegetarians, if you want animals to live, why do you eat their food.
When someone says “Can I ask you a question?” they didn’t really give you a choice.
If you see one goose it is called a goose. If you see more then one its called geese. How come when you see more then one moose it isn’t calles meese?
If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk.
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